


Cleaning Out the Rooms

by bitochondria



Category: Disco Elysium (Video Game)
Genre: Amnesia, Art Cop Harry, Communist Harry, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Inner Dialogue, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pre-Slash, References to Drugs, Screenplay/Script Format, Sexuality Crisis, Sober Harry Du Bois, Sorry Cop Harry, Suicidal Thoughts, but like all in a pretty soft way, harry is just a mess because he's harry, it's mostly domestic fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:54:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 29,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22527418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitochondria/pseuds/bitochondria
Summary: Harry finds himself in the liminal space between Martinaise and actually having to be Harry Du Bois again. He needs to return to his apartment, and his job, and his life, but the prospect is terrifying; everything that was once him is everything he can't allow himself to be ever again. Kim helps him make the transition, and Harry pines wildly over him. They eat food and talk about the homo-sexual underground. Harry tries not to cry a lot.
Relationships: Harry Du Bois/Kim Kitsuragi
Comments: 132
Kudos: 577





	1. Bower Bird's Opium Den

**Author's Note:**

> Update 9/23/20: THE DINER SCENE FROM CHAPTER 2 HAS BEEN [ILLUSTRATED! In a goddamn comic!](https://queenorigami.tumblr.com/post/629895781443403776/oof-coming-at-ya-with-another-comic-the-story-and) By the spectacular queenorigami!!! I MIGHT DIE FROM EXCITEMENT, FOLKS.

PERCEPTION (TOUCH) [Easy : Success] - You wake up with your face crushed into an unfamiliar pillow.

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Medium : Success] - You open your eyes. The room is unfamiliar as well. But you don’t have a headache and you remember yesterday, so you probably didn’t black out. You actually slept last night. Without dreaming.

PERCEPTION (SMELL) [Easy : Success] - You can smell coffee brewing. You can’t remember the last time you woke up to the smell of coffee brewing. 

LOGIC [Easy : Success] - Not that you can remember much of anything from before this past week.

VOLITION [Easy : Success] - You’re in Lieutenant Kitsuragi’s apartment. You remember this because while you were definitely tired last night, you weren’t drunk. 

PERCEPTION (SMELL) - Wait. The faint lingering odor of something like a recently smothered campfire, woodsy and smoky and faintly astringent. The barest undertone of tar resting softly under a bed of fragrant leaves. Astras. 

LOGIC [Easy : Success] - You’re in Kim’s bed. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Failure] - The hairs stand up on the back of your neck and your pulse quickens. You fucked Kim? Fuck yeah! Who even knew that was an option!? Good work, man. You should find him and do it again.

VOLITION [Easy : Success] - Don’t be stupid. You did not have sex with the Liutenant. He took the couch and let you sleep in his bed because you were  _ shot _ three days ago. And after last night… 

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Medium : Success] - It’s after midnight, and you all stand around the precinct looking at each other like every other member of the squad has the secret envelope with the instructions for what comes next. Jean groans when you ask, as politely as you can, where you live. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Medium : Success] - He knows where you live. You dig through your desk and belongings. You have no keys. Dear god, you’re Idiot Doom Spiral. You thought his story was totally implausible but now  _ you’re _ going to be homeless because you lost your keys.

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Medium : Success] - Kim— who hasn’t gone back to his own station yet— gently suggests that your keys are very likely in the ignition of the dearly departed police carriage back under the sea ice.

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Medium : Success] - Jean stares at you for what feels like forever, and then swings open the door to the holding cell. He points to the slab mattress like death pointing to an open grave. 

JEAN - “Sleep there, then. It’s where we keep the drunk fucks anyway.”

EMPATHY [Challenging : Success] - Jean wants to be kinder to you. His jaw, set in a tight grimace, is locked to prevent him from saying something stupid like, ‘hey, Harry, you can stay with me, old friend.’ He can’t do that to himself. 

EMPATHY [Formidable : Success] - He wants to believe you’re really trying this time. Desperately. But he can’t believe it at his own expense. Your recovery— if that’s what it is— can’t supercede his own well-being.

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - Kim put his hand on the back of your arm. He looks at you from the corner of his eye, behind his glasses. He’s thinking about Doom Spiral, too.

KIM - “You can stay at my place, Harry. We can break into your apartment tomorrow.”

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - There’s a tiny smile on his face. His sincerity is palpable, but beneath it there’s a tiny squirming line of trepidation. He trusts you— implicitly— but he isn’t sure it’s the right call to step over that professional boundary. 

YOU: You sit up in the bed, reverie broken. 

YOU: Suddenly you return to the thought you had on waking. Wait.

COMPOSURE [Challenging : Failure] - You immediately start sweating when you realize you might be a little bit attracted to Kim.

LOGIC [Easy : Success] - More than a little bit.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] -  _ Way  _ more than a little bit. Have you thought about his mouth recently? You should think about his mouth. 

VOLITION [Challenging : Success] - Get out of bed and stop thinking about your  _ fellow officer’s mouth.  _

YOU - You sise from the bed and carefully, very carefully, swing your legs over the side. You test the weight on your right foot, and then your left.

PAIN THRESHOLD [Challenging : Success] - Still hurts like a motherfucker, but you can walk. Maybe keep the Jamrock Shuffling to a minimum.

YOU - You pick your way around the corner and into the bathroom.

LOGIC [Easy : Success] - You showered here last night. That’s why you know where it is.

BATHROOM MIRROR - It would be disingenuous to say you look  _ good _ , but you look… You  _ don’t look worse _ . Since defeating The Expression, you’ve regained some measure of facial elasticity. You can almost smile like a person now. You might not make babies cry (as much.)

BATHROOM MIRROR - Showering did something reasonably decent for the state of your hair, but you must have gone to sleep with it wet, because you look a little like you had a bad run-in with a glue-stick on one side. You splash water on your face. 

SAVOIR FAIRE [Easy : Success] - You really need to brush your teeth. No one is going to kiss you with a mouth like that.

LOGIC [Easy : Success] - There would be no reason for you to have an accessible toothbrush in Kim’s apartment. You’ll have to wait.

AUTHORITY [Medium : Success] - Requisition one! Open the cabinet and take what’s rightfully yours.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - See what else is in there while you’re at it. Kim doesn’t seem like the party type, but maybe there’s a cocktail of somethings in there you could whip yourself up.

YOU - You do not use your friend’s toothbrush or steal his drugs. You are a good houseguest.

SAVOIR FAIRE [Easy : Success] - A good houseguest with very, very bad breath.

YOU - You find your way to the kitchen. 

VISUAL CALCULUS [Medium : Success] - A haze of blue smoke arrows traces Kim’s path around the kitchen. You can see each place he stopped: the first thing he did when he got up was start a pot of coffee, and then he touched the leaves of the plant on the windowsill. Seeing they were dry, he watered them.

VISUAL CALCULUS [Medium : Success] - He sat down to start his report. Stacks of forms grew beside him as he drained the pot of coffee. He made himself a slice of toast, stopping in front of the open fridge to decide between jam or butter. He sat back down and continued working. He’s been up for a long time. 

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy : Failure] - You have no idea what time it is. You look around to find a clock, but there doesn’t seem to be one.

PERCEPTION (SMELL) [Medium : Success] - You woke up because he started a second pot of coffee. That’s why the smell is so strong.

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy : Success] - He turns and looks at you. He’s not wearing his bomber jacket. He’s in a white undershirt and cotton drawstring pants. 

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Medium : Success] - His pants, red and black plaid, are an Ubi Sunt pattern known as ‘Pride of Isles.’ 

EMPATHY [Challenging : Success] - He’s still in his pajamas because he didn’t want to shower until you were awake. In case you needed him. 

KIM - He smiles, just barely. An easy getsure. “Good morning, Detective. I hope you slept well?”

    1. “Like the dead! But, um. Not in a suicidal way. I’m trying not to do that anymore.” You do double finger-guns at him.
    2. “I slept better than I have in years. I think. What if I just move in?”
    3. “Pour me a cup of coffee or I’ll die, right here, in your kitchen.”
    4. [Savoir Faire : Impossible] “Not as well as I would have if you had tired me out first, babe. I’m always up for a morning quickie, though. _Wink_.” You physically wink your eye, but you _do_ also say the word aloud.
    5. **“I did, actually. Were you okay on the couch?”**



KIM - “I was fine.”

DRAMA [Easy : Success] - He speaks the truth, sire. He hasn’t slept since the Tribunal, not really. A couch is enough when you’re on the verge of collapse. 

KIM - “Can I get you coffee?”

YOU - You nod, and sit at the kitchen table opposite him while he goes to get a mug. 

PERCEPTION [Challenging : Failure] - Is Kim handsome? He has good cheekbones and beautiful hands. But past that— you have no conceptual framework for addressing a man’s attractiveness. You have no idea if you were even attracted to men before this past week. 

PAIN THRESHOLD [Medium : Success] - It’s hard to really be attracted to anyone when your dick only responds to the scent of apricots.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Medium : Success] - You were, but you didn’t have the words for it. Or you didn’t know those words could mean  _ you _ . The whole beautiful tapestry of masculinity— big gruff men like Titus, tired sad men like Jean, boiaderos and poets like Mañana and Tommy— you knew you wanted it, somehow, but you thought you wanted it for  _ you _ . To  _ be _ that kind of man. To be the kind of man other men wanted. To be. Wanted to be.

EMPATHY [Challenging : Success] - Desire can be confusing. No need to beat yourself up over this one. 

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Challenging : Success] - And men like the smoker on the balcony— you just tried not to see them. Art too beautiful to look at directly— a painting like the sun, except also reflecting something back at you you weren’t prepared to see.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - So you’re a homo-sexual now. Great! Let’s go get that dick sucked. Ask him right now to get on his knees for you.

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Medium : Success] - Actually, it seems that you’re a bi-sexual. There’s some intellectual debate over whether your kind exists; one faction claims all bi-sexuals are merely ‘closeted homos,’ while another postulates that any  _ real  _ man who  _ loves pussy  _ couldn’t possibly be part of the homo-sexual underground.

INLAND EMPIRE [Easy : Success] - You’re a cryptid. A cryptid!

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Medium : Success] - That sounds right. The Bi-Sexual Human Can Opener, Phantom of Precinct 41. 

KIM - He sits back down at the table, handing you a mug that is the exact twin of his own. It has a blue and white mosaic pattern, like floor tiles. He’s the type to have a set of six matching cups. “So you do that even when you’re not on a case.”

YOU - Look up from the stoneware. “Do what?”

KIM - His glasses catch the yellow light from the tiny kitchen window. It makes him look like he’s plotting something. The left corner of his mouth creeps up, just briefly. “Receive signals from another world.” 

SHIVERS [Easy : Success] - Our world. 

INLAND EMPIRE [Easy : Success] - Not always. 

INLAND EMPIRE [Medium : Success] - Besides, what is our world? What is another? You are merely a conduit for what must be.

KIM - “You’re doing it right now.” 

YOU - “I’m never  _ not  _ doing it, Kim.” You sip your coffee. You choose to demonstrate. “You watered your plants this morning. After you made coffee.” 

KIM - That suspicious eyebrow goes up. 

EMPATHY [Medium : Success] - He will  _ never _ quite be able to internalize your ‘hunches.’ He said once that ‘something weird was always happening with you,’ and he has come to accept that. But there will always be a part of him that wants a logical explanation.

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - You can see it now, happening just under his skin. He’s wondering if he left the watering can out or if maybe you have a secret heretofore unmentioned botanical background. 

KIM - But he just blinks, and moves on. “After I finish this we can go to your apartment.” He lifts his pen from the table. “Jean suggested it might be helpful for us to work out the terms of my transfer and get you settled again before you’re placed back on active duty.” 

EMPATHY [Medium : Success] - Jean is trying to give you a little space. It’s a nice way of saying, ‘prepare for your shit to  _ actually _ be together before you rejoin us this time.’ 

COMPOSURE [Easy : Failure] - Your palms grow a little sweaty and you feel something like a giant hot soap bubble under your ribs when you hear the words ‘we’ and ‘transfer.’ 

  1. **You should think about this. Deeply.**
  2. **Don’t be a middle schooler. He’s not asking you to the eighth grade dance.**



ESPRIT DE CORPS [Easy : Success] - You think first about ‘transfer.’ He… really means it. What he said last night. About joining 41. He thinks it’s an honor. On the front lines of the city, a real man of the people.

DRAMA [Easy : Success] - Sire, you knew last night he was telling the truth. 

HALF-LIGHT [Easy : Failure] - But what if he had changed his mind? What if you lost him? You’ve been  _ okay _ since you met him. What will happen to you if he leaves!?

VOLITION [Godly : Success] - You will take the next step forward. And you will go see a psychiatrist, whether Kim stays or not. 

EMPATHY [Medium : Failure] - You have no idea how much of his motive is professional or personal. You know he respects the 41. Does he respect  _ you _ ? Does he want to keep working with you? 

COMPOSURE [Challenging : Failure] - Does the thought of being torn away from each other terrify him the way it terrifies you?

VOLITION [Challenging : Success] - Probably not. This is, again, why you need to see a psychiatrist— particularly if you and Electrochemistry think you’re going to get him in the sack. 

SAVOIR FAIRE [Medium : Failure] - Which you won’t, by the way. You remember, he thought you were 58? The man is not into you.

  1. **Think about the ‘we’ next.**



LOGIC [Easy : Success] - There is no reason for him to come to your apartment with you. You need a locksmith, not a Lieutenant. 

EMPATHY [Challenging : Success] - But you can see it in his face. The worry. He knows that going home is going to be incredibly hard on you. That, statistically, your apartment is going to be trashed, and there’s going to be a  _ lot  _ of booze there. If you’re stupid—

PAIN THRESHOLD [Easy : Failure] - Which you are. 

EMPATHY [Challenging : Success] - —there are probably going to be photos of Dora. Trinkets. Painful reminders of another life. He doesn’t want you to have to face any of that alone.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Failure] - Huh. That’s kind of a weird turn-on. Welcome to boner town!

COMPOSURE [Challenging : Failure] - What the fuck is wrong with you.

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy : Success] - Thankfully, Kim is writing, so he has not seen the bizarre facial journey you’ve been going on. You pull your chair in a little closer to the table so there’s no way he can see your weird empathy-boner. 

VOLITION [Easy : Success] - Psychiatrist.

  1. **[Composure : Heroic] - “You don’t have to come with me. I can handle calling a locksmith by myself.”**
  2. “Great. Is there anything I can do in the meantime to help?”
  3. [Electrochemistry : Impossible] - “I have a rock hard erection right now— you gonna do something about it, Kim?”
  4. [Suggestion : Godly] - “Or, instead, maybe I don’t ever go back to my apartment. I think it’s time for me to just find a new one.” ****



YOU - Manage only to croak out, “You don’t…” before your jaw starts trembling and the next sound that comes out is  _ definitely _ a sob.

  1. **Try to salvage this.**
  2. Cry. ****



YOU - Finish your thought. You tell Kim, in a clear, non-tearful voice, “I’m a locksmith.” 

KIM - He glances at you from over his glasses, clearly confused. “What?”

COMPOSURE [Challenging : Success] - Pull yourself together. Just be honest with him.

YOU - Swallow. Put your left hand on your left knee, steadying its shaking. You sip your coffee. “I was trying to say… that you don’t need to come with me.” 

VOLITION [Godly : Success] - Tell the man the truth.

LOGIC [Medium : Success] - You told him you were an amnesiac drunk. And that you might be able to hear the city’s thoughts. And that you consider yourself an amateur cryptid hunter. And that your  _ tie talked to you _ . You hardly think he’s going to judge you now, for wanting a little backup?

YOU - “But I think I actually do need you to come with me.”

KIM - “I know. That’s why I’m coming.” 

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - No judgement, and no ulterior motive. He just knows you need a friend.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Failure] - You should probably ask him to fuck. 

SAVOIR FAIRE [Medium : Failure] - Sure, if you like getting rejected. If we’re talking leagues, he’s batting 375, and you’re playing peewee whiffle ball with children from the School for the Athletically Uninclined. 

YOU - So you ignore your growing and intrusive desire to let Kim bend you over the table. 

PAIN THRESHOLD [Easy : Success] - There is no way you can manage that with a gunshot wound in your thigh, anyway. 

ENDURANCE [Easy : Success] - You’re going to need to waït a few weeks, at least.

ENDURANCE [Formidable : Failure] - Wait— bend  _ you _ över the table? Wait. Wait. That can’t— 

YOU - “Thank you.” _ Don’t say anything about sex. Don’t say anything about sex. _ “I really…”

    1. [Electrochemistry : Formidable] “…Am feeling pretty bent out of shape over this. Like I want to get bent the fuck over. By you. On this table.”
    2. [Electrochemistry : Formidable] “…Could use a strong, firm hand. From a real close buddy. On my dick.”
    3. Cry.
    4. **Say nothing, like a normal person.**



YOU - You try to tell Kim you’re thankful using your eyes. He nods with understanding. 

KIM - “Let me finish this and shower.” He taps the tip of the pen on the corner of the page he’s working on, looking very purposefully at your face. He looks back down and writes as he talks. “I don’t have much in the fridge, since I haven’t been home in a week. But there’s stale bread if you want toast.” 

YOU - Nod, sipping your coffee.

PERCEPTION (TASTE) [Medium : Success] - The coffee is good. It’s not police station coffee— there’s no underlying taste of ash or grill scrapings. But then also, the past few days— since the morning of the Tribunal, you think— things have tasted a little… better? Maybe not better. More. 

LOGIC [Formidable : Success] - That’s probably what all this inappropriate  _ eros _ is all about, too. 

EMPATHY [Medium : Success] - And the almost crying about everything.

PERCEPTION [Medium : Success] - Your senses are waking up, a little. It will take time for all your pickled tastebuds to grow back, and for the swelling in your sinuses to go down, and the tingling numbness in your fingertips to go away completely, but you feel almost as if you might be able to handle the bone-rattling fear and emptiness if at least you can enjoy a damn cup of coffee.

YOU - You get up with your coffee and hobble over to the counter. You cut yourself a slice of bread. 

PERCEPTION (TOUCH) [Easy : Success] - He wasn’t kidding about it being stale; it feels more like particle board than bread. It’s probably been in his breadbox for  _ well _ over a week. 

YOU - You put the bread in the toaster and go into Kim’s fridge for butter. It’s not the real stuff— it’s some kind of hydrolized vegetable oil— but fat is fat and you need the calories. You practically make a butter sandwich. 

PERCEPTION (TASTE) [Easy : Success] - It is  _ not _ delicious, but you can hardly fault the man for needing to go grocery shopping. 

PAIN THRESHOLD [Medium : Failure] - You don’t remember grocery shopping. At all. Had you gone, alone? After Dora left? Or had you eaten what junk you could get on the job, and gotten most of your calories from  _ al gul _ ? Do you know how to cook? Have you ever fed yourself?

KIM - He gets up and closes his notebook as you’re panicking about groceries. He doesn’t look at you as he yawns, “I’m going to shower.” He stretches his arms over his head as he walks out of the kitchen.

YOU - You lean back against the counter. You listen.

SHIVERS [Challenging : Success] - You are in an apartment building— one of hundreds of old concrete structures built for public housing when ‘public housing’ still meant something. This one is in decent condition; unshelled, largely maintained. It sits on a row of similar buildings, windows facing other windows, neighbors peering in on each other’s lives day and night. Cramped. Close. Lonely even so.

SHIVERS [Challenging : Success] - The city is quiet this morning; it is not, however, calm. A paralysis grips the citizens of Revachol. People are afraid. There are whispers in the streets—  _ something terrible happened in Martinaise— a war is coming— the fabric of the world is unraveling— hey, did you hear they opened a club in an old church?— _ and no one is sure what comes next. 

SHIVERS [Challenging : Success] - But it feels like spring today. Truly. One might be tempted to walk around without a jacket, even, for a brief moment. Something is thawing, for better or for worse. And the light reflecting off motor carriage windows tells you— it’s still morning. It’s not as late as you thought.

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - Kim has just been awake since dawn. 

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy : Success] - His report is practically a Dick Mullen novel, at least in length. Almost certainly it is better written. 

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy : Success] - When Kim comes out of the shower, he is in his bomber jacket. He’s wearing unfamiliar clothes beneath it, but he still projects an effortless cool you could never hope to achieve. 

INLAND EMPIRE [Challenging : Success] - You were cool, once. On the bottom of the ocean, in a beautiful, suffocating dream with a woman of gossamer and cruelty. Kim’s cool is different. He has grown into it— created it— like the carefully pruned branches of an imperfect but lovely fruit tree. Not everyone knows that’s what they’re seeing when they see him. But you see it— white branches like antlers. Unshakeable roots. Shiny dimpled globes of unbelievable orange sweetness, just out of reach. 

SAVOIR FAIRE [Challenging : Failure] - You will need to get dressed if you want to be even half as cool as he is. Too bad all your clothes are in your home— the one you can’t get into. You can’t borrow any of Kim’s, because Kim weighs thirteen pounds soaking wet, and you have the physique of— let’s be kind, here— an old sailor heading for retirement. Your options are limited to what you brought from Martinaise. 

    1. Put on the armor. Not even the memories of your former life can hurt you if you’re in ceramic plate, right?
    2. Mesh top and dragon lounger. Let Kim know you’re more than down with the homo-sexual underground.
    3. **The cleanest shirt you have, which happens to have a picture of Hjelmdallerman on it. Jeans, soiled from trekking through mud and snow for a week, but only at the cuffs.**
    4. Fuck it. Clothes are for the bourgeoisie, and what better way to show your dominance over the locksmith than looking him in the eye _completely bare-assed_.



YOU - You put on the masculine power-fantasy shirt and frown at yourself in the mirror. You look like you’re ready to go to a swords-and-sorcery convention and possibly get arrested for hitting on minors. At least it’s clean.

KIM - He gives you a less-than-flattering once over as you get in the Kineema. “Remind me again why you bought that?”

YOU - “Makes me feel powerful.” You look him in the eye as you bluff, and he cracks a smile as he turns the key in the ignition. “All my other clothes were covered in bodily fluids at the time.”

KIM - His face returns to neutral as he pulls out into the road. 

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - He’s worried about the effect this trip is going to have on your already fragile psyche. You resolve to keep him from worrying further. 

COMPOSURE [Challenging : Failure] - You try to tell yourself you’ll be fine, but the only memory you have of the place is darkness, cold and suffused with the scent of stale beer. 

PERCEPTION [Challenging : Success] - As Kim drives, occasionally you spot landmarks that look almost-familiar. You ask Kim about the ones you have your suspicions about— they all turn out to be famous buildings, or historical sites. Nothing personal. 

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Challenging : Success] - You’re currently passing the sixth tallest building on the West bank, designed by famed Revacholian architect Espen Lesourses. The northern side of the building is a different color than the other four edifices, as extensive mortar damage destroyed the original entrance. Once a library, now a hotel, the building is considered  _ extremely  _ haunted. 

KIM - He turns a corner, looking in the rearview mirror. He’s a good driver— careful, but not high strung. His eyesight doesn’t seem to hamper his ability to monitor the road, and his hand movements on the wheel and the gears are smooth and graceful. His long fingers—

HALF-LIGHT [Impossible : Failure] - No. No no no no no. Turn around. Make him turn around. You can’t— you need to— get him to stop the carriage, now. 

AUTHORITY [Easy : Success] - If we need to stop, just take the wheel. Show that skinny binoclard who should be driving, here. 

HALF-LIGHT [Impossible : Failure] - TURN AROUND. TURN AROUND. TURN AROUND. 

YOU - You begin shaking, starting with the hands, like the first few days with no drink. You’re nauseated and can feel your skin growing clammy. You roll down the window and breathe, rapidly.

KIM - He looks at you as you roll down the window. “You okay?”

    1. “GIVE ME THE WHEEL. TURN AROUND. ABORT, ABORT, ABORT.”
    2. Lean your head out the window and vomit toast slurry into the street.
    3. **“I’m completely and totally fine and under no circumstances will I vomit in your car.”**
    4. “I’m really nervous about going home, Kim. What if I can’t handle it?”



KIM - “Do you need me to pull over?” 

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - He looks worried. You said you wouldn’t worry him further! 

DRAMA [Easy : Success] - Alas, sire, he is entirely unconvinced by your stellar lie. 

YOU - “I just need a little air,” you lie. You blink back tears of nausea, and then you reveal a partial truth. “Feeling a little nervous.”

KIM - He nods. Then he turns to you, one eyebrow a little higher than the other, the corner of his mouth a little crooked. “You want me to put on SAD FM?”

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - He’s trying to cheer you up. It works, at least a little. You laugh, a tiny little ribbit of mirth, but you come by it honestly. You still feel ill, but at least Kim sees what you’re going through.

YOU - You change the subject. “So, you get to keep the Kineema even when you’re off duty?” 

KIM - He shakes his head. “Not usually. I just haven’t brought it back to the station yet.”

EMPATHY [Medium : Success] - He’s not ready to return the vehicle, because he knows once he officially makes his transfer, he’s not likely to get his hands on another one. It’s not his carriage, but he  _ feels _ like it is. 

YOU - You decide against your better judgement to bring this up. “You’re going to miss it.” 

KIM - He says nothing, his mouth a flat line. He turns onto a residential road and shrugs. “It’s just a car.” 

DRAMA [Easy : Success] - An obvious lie. He has  _ feelings _ about this car. 

HALF LIGHT [Medium : Success] - You are  _ dangerously _ close to your apartment. Open the door! Roll out onto the street! Lie and tell him a different building is yours! 

PAIN THRESHOLD [Challenging : Success] - You have seen yourself hanged. You have confronted the death of your heart in the guise of a madonna. You’ve learned about the end of the world. You can handle a messy apartment and some empty beer bottles.

HALF LIGHT [Challenging : Failure] - GET OUT OF THIS CAR. YOU WILL DIE. YOU WILL DIE. TAKE THE WHEEL AND DON’T GO IN THERE. DON’T LET HIM GO IN THERE.

LOGIC [Challenging : Success] - Oh. 

LOGIC [Challenging : Success] - It’s not about whether you can handle it or not. It’s about Kim, isn’t it?

PAIN THRESHOLD [Impossible : Failure] - Your ribs feel like jagged metal claws, biting into the flesh of your lungs. Your heart is on fire and your breath comes short. Your skin goes grey as Kim slows the car. Sweat pours down your back. Oh god. Is this another heart attack? 

SAVOIR FAIRE [Formidable : Success] - No— no, this is more like what happened on the roof. You’re panicking. It’s a panic attack. 

HALF LIGHT [Challenging : Failure] - Don’t let him finish parking! Don’t let him go in there! Don’t let him see! He won’t understand. He’ll see it, and he’ll see  _ you _ . He’ll see what you really are. He’ll see that you can’t be trusted— that you’re beyond saving. 

PAIN THRESHOLD [Formidable : Success] - Every part of your body is screaming the same high-pitched tone. You are a dissonant chord in the world’s melody. But you swallow, and you plant your goddamn ass in the Kineema seat, and you feel the breeze from the window on your face. You’re already here and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. You let momentum carry you forward.

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy : Success] - You are outside a run-down apartment complex, older and less well-maintained than Kim’s. A man with a tool bag waits on the steps, reading something tawdry. 

KIM - He looks out the window at the Man with the Tawdry Book. “That must be the locksmith.” He swings the car door open and steps out.

YOU - You follow him, your body moving without your consent. Kim glances back at you and beckons you after him. You’re compelled to join him on the stairs with the Man with the Tawdry Book.

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Medium : Success] - The book the man is holding has a scantily clad woman lying on a rumpled bed, the back of her hand pressed to her forehead in sexy distress. He tucks it into his bag as you approach, but you catch the title and a brief tagline— “Housekeeper Hussy: She’ll  _ Never _ Keep it Clean!” She has a perfect white bosom. You’re tired of perfect white bosoms. 

MAN WITH THE TAWDRY BOOK - He shakes Kim’s hand. You must be Mr. Du Bois. Sorry to hear about your keys, but we can get this fixed up real quick.

KIM - He shakes the man’s hand, but points back towards you with the other thumb. “That’s actually Mr. Du Bois. I’m just…” He pauses. “I’m a friend.”

MAN WITH THE TAWDRY BOOK - He looks you over, a split second judgement.

EMPATHY [Medium : Success] - He thinks,  _ ah, yes. That looks like the kind of man who would completely lock himself out of his apartment. _ He has a lot of customers who are drunks.

MAN WITH THE TAWDRY BOOK - He puts his calloused hand out for you to shake it. “Sorry. I’m Aurel Ser-Clef. Locksmith.” He smiles, crooked yellow teeth in an honest mouth. “Let’s get you in your apartment, okay?”

    1. “I’m actually fine with staying out here. Maybe you could get me in a different apartment and we can say it’s mine?”
    2. “Just giving you a heads up that I’m an artist, and my apartment is my canvas. You may see some things in there you aren’t entirely prepared to deal with, intellectually speaking.”
    3. “Can I borrow your screwdriver? I’m going to jam it through my eye.”
    4. **[Electrochemistry : Challenging] Try not to make The Expression at him.**



YOU - You make The Expression at him, but it’s only for a second. You swallow and banish it as soon as it contorts your face. At least now when you feel it starting, you can make it stop. 

EMPATHY [Medium : Success] - Nonetheless, you’ve scared him a little. He’s too honest to charge you extra, but he wants to be done with this quickly. 

YOU - You clear your throat, face wet with perspiration. “Thank you. Let me walk you up.”

VOLITION [Impossible : Failure] - Or you  _ would _ walk him up, if you knew which one was your apartment. 

KIM - He lets the Man with the Tawdry Book get in front of you, so he can’t tell as easily that you have no idea where you’re going. He says, as if intended for the Man with the Tawdry Book and not for you, “It’s the second floor. Number six.” 

MAN WITH THE TAWDRY BOOK - When he arrives at your door, he makes short work of it. These are hardly high-security locks, and he has the tools for it. He swaps your old doorknob out for a new one, hands you a set of keys, and leaves. Hopefully the bill won’t show up until you can remember how to get into your bank account.

PERCEPTION [Easy : Success] - It’s worse than you could have imagined. Your apartment is exactly like you. 

PERCEPTION [Easy : Success] - Motes of dust pass through a single beam of light coming in through a tiny window. They distract you, briefly, from everything else. This is the home of a dead man. Grime coats every surface, and the scent of gin and piss and semen and overturned beer bottles dripping onto the carpet would be completely overwhelming if it weren’t so stale. It’s like an alcoholism mausoleum. 

PERCEPTION [Easy : Success] - The apartment is tiny— a single combined living room and kitchen, a bed that folds out of the wall, and a bathroom that doubles as a sarcophagus. It's made even smaller by an amassment of clutter that makes The Pigs look like a minimalist. 

PERCEPTION [Easy : Success] - You can tell, theoretically, that there is a carpet, but every inch of the floor is obscured by bottles and paper and trash. The bed, open from the wall, has the sheet halfway on, entirely loose at one corner. It is piled with clothes and towels. Mysterious stains abound. The kitchen counter is practically a tare processing facility, and the sink is piled so high with dishes that they spill out onto neighboring surfaces. The tiny kitchen table is a wasteland of evidence bags, newspaper clippings, and more bottles. 

PERCEPTION [Easy : Success] - Cabinets— lined with unclean dishes, open bags of food, half-drunk alcohol— are open and askew. Everything is dented and stained. Flies buzz drowsily around the sink, unperturbed by your presence. 

INLAND EMPIRE [Medium : Success] - The people of Martinaise saw through you when they called you a pig. It wasn’t about you being an officer— it was an unspooling of your soul into their mouths. You  _ are  _ a pig. This is your sty.

COMPOSURE [Challenging : Failure] - You’re shaking and sweating like a junkie. Probably because that’s what you are.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - You know what would make you feel a lot better, man? Yeah? Because there’s a lot of whatever’s going to smooth those neurons out  _ right here _ . 

PERCEPTION [Medium : Success] - You hear Kim breathe out through his nose. You wait for his reproach. 

KIM - “Alright. Let’s get to work.” He pulls his jacket off and looks around for a place to put it. The door handle is unoccupied, so he puts it there. He looks at you. 

EMPATHY [Easy : Failure] - You find Kim very easy to read most of the time, despite his relatively flat affect. Usually you can see the feelings beneath the expression. But the lines of his face mean nothing to you right now.

KIM - “We’ll need trash bags. I brought gloves.” 

YOU - You stare at Kim, your legs six hundred pounds. Your mouth is a sock puppet on an arthritic hand. You can’t move or speak, but even if you could, what would you say? You’d probably just throw up or cry. Because he can’t seriously be offering to…

KIM - “I think the first step needs to be getting rid of any drugs and alcohol.” He pulls a pair of rubber gloves out of the small shoulder bag he brought and tosses them to you. “I should deal with that. Do I have permission to go through all your drawers and cabinets?”

REACTION SPEED [Heroic : Success] - Somehow manage to both catch the gloves and nod. Autopilot seems to have engaged.

KIM - “Can you deal with empties and trash for now?”

YOU - You nod again, weakly. 

KIM - He puts his hand on your arm. “You can do this, Harry.” 

EMPATHY [Medium : Success] - He believes it. There’s not the tiniest molecule of judgement in his eyes. If anything, he was expecting worse, and he’s pleased to see nothing in here is smashed or covered in blood or lighter fluid. 

EMPATHY [Heroic : Success] - Or that there isn’t some kind of serial killer shrine to Dora.

KIM - He slips the second second of gloves on, hangs his bag on the doorknob with his jacket, and goes to work. He finds trash bags under the sink— opening the cabinet causes a mildew smell to creep into the room— and starts picking up pilsners and vodka and tequila and tossing them into the bag. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - You’re just going to let him do that!? He’s wasting booze! You  _ need _ that and you’re just letting him  _ toss it out _ ? 

YOU - You ignore the desire to stick your tongue into the opening of the nearest empty bottle like some kind of depraved hummingbird. You get two trash bags yourself and start collecting tare in one and garbage in the other. 

INLAND EMPIRE [Medium : Success] - This place— this bower bird’s opium den— is like a half-remembered nightmare. The landscape shifts under your feet. You can’t pin down what makes it familiar, and when you try to focus on particular details, they shiver away from your eyes like text in a dream. You know this place belongs to you— it  _ is  _ you— but like everything else from before Martinaise, you can find no clues. No evidence. Just a sad empty sick feeling.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - There’s a small circular white tablet on the ground, beneath the candy wrapper you just picked up. Take it! It’s a gift! You left this here for yourself so you could have a good time later.

LOGIC [Easy : Success] - On the one hand— for all you know it’s an indigestion tablet. On the other hand— you probably  _ will _ feel better if you take it, even if it is. 

COMPOSURE [Challenging : Success] - It’s also a  _ pill from the floor. _ You’re not taking a pill from the floor. Have you seen the floor in here?

YOU - You pick the pill up between your gloved fingertips, and you throw it in the trash bag. You feel like you should tell Kim. It seems like the responsible thing to do— letting someone know your carpet is littered with amphetamines. But you still can't quite get your mouth to make sounds.

YOU - So instead, you continuing cleaning. You pick up tissues and rags and wrappers and bottle caps and food waste and endless, endless papers. You find one poorly tied condom lurking slimily under the bed and wonder what kind of desperate woman would fuck you. 

KIM - He goes through every drawer and cabinet, confiscating liquor and drug paraphernalia. You can tell he’s searching specifically in the places addicts usually hide things— he unrolls socks, looks in the corners of your closet, checks pockets, feels around the edges of your vents for a sign you’ve removed them recently, peers at the undersides of your drawers, feels around the edges of your mattress. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Medium : Success] - He’s done this before— juvvie cop. Ten years ago, he stands in the room of a dead teenager, OD’ed on heroin after six months sobriety. He holds a stuffed bunny in his left hand, its floppy head askew, half-severed, at the bow around its neck. The stuffing inside spills out, trailing a fuzzy line to his right hand. In his right hand, a bag of white powder. He has seen much worse than your apartment.

PERCEPTION (HEARING) [Easy : Success] - You hear him whistling from the bathroom. 

YOU - You continue creating a pathway through the concentric trash layers. An hour passes, at least. 

KIM - He goes out to the Kineema at some point, presumably to more carefully package away anything illegal. He can’t exactly toss speed and narcotics in the trash outside the building. 

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy : Success] - Not long after he comes back in, you note him jotting things down in his notebook. 

YOU - You finally manage to find your voice. “What are you writing down?”

KIM - He flashes the page at you. “Shopping list.” 

YOU - “Kim…” You croak the next words. “Why are you doing this for me?”

KIM - He looks at you with genuine puzzlement, limned vaguely with annoyance. 

EMPATHY [Medium : Success] - He wants to reprimand you for even asking. He wants to tell you that he’s doing it because you’re a human being. Even though he knows you’re a self-flagellating nematode with no self-worth, he’s still surprised that you’re surprised. 

KIM - “You would do the same.” 

DRAMA [Easy : Success] - He believes it. 

EMPATHY [Challenging : Success] - You believe it, too, because he does. 

YOU - You nod. “Thank you.” Your voice is so quiet you can hear the keening of the fridge above it.

FILTHY APARTMENT - The next few hours pass in waves of companionable silence and amiable chatter. Kim isn’t one for small talk, but he indulges you. He lets you control the flow of the conversation, but he also keeps you talking. You feel your voice finding its way back into your mouth.

EMPATHY [Challenging : Success] - He’s can-opening you, but with the softest touch possible. 

PERCEPTION (HEARING) [Easy : Success] - Your tape player clicks on. Guillaume le Million fills the room.

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Medium : Success] - Kneeling half-under the bed, out of the corner of your eye you catch Kim smirking.

KIM - “It’s no anodic dance music, but…” He looks at the cover of the tape jacket, then holds it up, squaring Guillaume’s face with yours. He squints one eye shut and makes a noise of recognition. 

YOU - You realize you have no idea if he even  _ likes  _ disco. 

INLAND EMPIRE [Heroic : Success] - He will, someday, because he will associate it with you. A smile will creep into his eyes and cheeks when he hears a synthesized beat; he will picture you, on a balcony, wearing sea-monster blue, smiling back at him. The sky will be the color of candle-smoke and birthday frosting, and you will be solid and whole.

VOLITION [Medium : Success] - That sounds a lot like wishful thinking.

    1. “Are you a disco fan, Kim?”
    2. **“Is it true that all homo-sexuals are into disco?”**
    3. **“Do you think someday you and I will stand together on a balcony, and the clouds will write a testament to our love in precipitant pink?”**



KIM - He tilts his head to the side, just slightly.

EMPATHY [Medium : Success] - He wants to be irritated with you, but the question is  _ so _ stupid that he can’t manage to mount any anger. 

KIM - He sighs. “Yes, Harry. They take your union card away if you aren’t.” 

    1. “Wait, there’s a union?”
    2. **“That was a dumb question.”**



KIM - “Yes.” 

YOU - “Sorry. The Smoker in Martinaise— the one with the Sunday Friend— he said—” You stop, because you realize there’s no way to make this sound  _ less  _ stupid. 

KIM - He tilts his head back just the tiniest amount, and the light from the window hits his glasses. You can’t see his eyes. “The cute one?”

YOU - “Yeah, with the—” 

EMPATHY [Challenging : Success] - He’s baiting you. 

DRAMA [Challenging : Success] - He doesn’t even think the man is attractive, sire. He just wanted to see if you would agree. 

ENDURANCE [Medium : Failure] - You feel your ears and cheeks bloom red. Your throat goes dry and your mouth fills with spit. 

YOU - Face burning, you look Kim directly in the eye. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. It was a dumb question and I’m sorry.” 

KIM - His lips pinch together just slightly. Very deliberately, he isn’t smiling. 

EMPATHY [Heroic : Success] - If you could see his eyes, you would know they were  _ glittering _ . 

YOU - You return to your cleaning, heart attempting to vibrate its way out of the cage of your ribs. 

FILTHY APARTMENT - By late afternoon, there is a floor once again. You’ve tested the lights (working) and the phone line (turned off). The window and door are open for a crossbreeze. It smells less like a funeral for a liquor store now. Laundry is piled on the bed, and as far as either of you know, the apartment has been divested of pills and alcohol. Nothing is  _ clean _ . But it's not exactly a health and safety violation any longer, either.

PAIN THRESHOLD [Challenging : Failure] - Your leg feels like blood pudding. You want to lie down in the pile of dirty laundry on the bed and sleep until you die. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Challenging : Failure] - You remember that moldy takeout container you found an hour ago? You should dig that up and eat it. Or lick the food scraps off the plates in the sink.

COMPOSURE [Challenging : Failure] - You’ve done  _ so  _ much work, and there’s still  _ so _ much more to do. You feel your chin start to wobble slightly and the burn of tears starting in the back of your nose. 

KIM - He stands with his hands on his hips, surveying the room. “Do you have a laundry in your building?” His brow furrows. “I guess you don’t know the answer to that.” He taps the tip of his pen on the page. “Although you don't actually have any detergent, anyway."

KIM - He takes a deep breath, and snaps his head to you. “Let’s go get lunch.” He puts his notebook in his pocket. “Then we’ll go pick up cleaning supplies.”

COMPOSURE [Challenging : Failure] - You know what he’s going to say next— _ and then we’ll come back and finish the job _ . You swallow, blinking to keep from crying. 

KIM - “We can come back tomorrow and do the actual scrubbing.” He looks around the room one more time before looking at you again. “Are you crying?”

YOU - Crush the back of your hand against your eyes, wiping them dry. 

    1. [Drama : Easy] “Yes. Cleaning always makes me cry.”
    2. [Drama : Medium] “Yes. I was thinking about how much I love lunch.”
    3. [Drama : Challenging] “No. My eyes are watering from all the dust.”
    4. [Drama : Formidable] “No. I’ve never cried in my life.”
    5. **“A little bit.”**



KIM - “Are you okay?”

YOU - You nod. “If you had said we needed to finish today I would be crying a lot.”

KIM - He blinks, his eyebrows furrowing for a split second. “You have a gunshot wound and I have a concussion. We’ve done enough work for today.” He pulls his gloves off and places them by the sink. “Help me bring out the last bags of trash?”

YOU - You lock up behind you, throw out the garbage in the container at the back of the building, and walk to the nearest cafeteria. 

YOU - You continue crying, just a little, the whole way there, because you have no idea what you could ever do to repay your new friend, and you have no idea what you could possibly have done to deserve him.


	2. Linoleum and Sea Ice

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy : Success] - The cafeteria is bright and busy, even though it’s technically after lunchtime. The floor is red and white linoleum tile, scuffed brown and grey with wear and age. Tables are arranged communally, with some booths and seats at a bar. 

PERCEPTION (HEARING) [Easy : Success] - A sous-chef calls out short orders. Spoons against coffee mugs and fork tines on plates plink out through the din of conversation. Somewhere in the kitchen, a burger patty sizzles as it is flipped.

PERCEPTION (SMELL) [Easy : Success] - The warm bitterness of coffee provides the perfume’s base; overtones of butter and lard, bacon and eggs, sugar syrup and jam, and occasional whiff of char or spice create the body. A heady finisher of salt wraps ties it all together.

INLAND EMPIRE [Medium : Success] - A ballet plays out before you; you can see the steps appear on the floor like one of those old learn-to-dance programs. Left foot here, twirl, pick up a plate of eggs, slide, right foot here, hand on your partner’s hip as you pivot to the table, a little sidestep as you avoid a running child… You see the characters before you: the young lovers, a soubrette and her basso cantante exchanging words of devotion over lemon pie; a woman alone lost in an aria of spinach and chicken; two buffo arguing, one picking at meatloaf and the other gnawing on a chicken bone. You spill yourself into the human melody.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Trivial : Success] - If you just happened to grab the plate of the nearest person and eat everything off of it, I’m sure no one would mind.

AUTHORITY [Easy : Success] - You are a cop, after all.

KIM - He gestures over towards a booth with a gentle crane of his neck. 

YOU - You sit, and look at the menu, perfunctorily. You want grease, and a lot of it. 

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy : Success] - The waitress, a dark-haired teenager, comes by to take your order. She is wearing a pink grease-stained apron and black buckle shoes. She reminds you of someone, but of course, you have no idea who. 

WAITRESS WITH THE BUCKLE SHOES - “Good afternoon, sirs. Can I take your order?”

EMPATHY [Medium : Success] - She pays Kim almost no mind, but looks you over with weary practice. The shirt is throwing her. 

YOU - “I know it’s an outdated masculine power fantasy,” you explain, throwing the girl even further, “But I just can’t help but feel everyone would be happier if they could take the world on with an unreasonably large sword in each hand.” You continue. “Furthermore, I think the scissor-like action one could make with a pair of zweihanders could be representative of a metaphorical guillotine of sorts; we could read Hjelmdallerman as—” 

KIM - He clears his throat. “I’ll have a grilled cheese and a bowl of tomato soup.”

YOU - “And I’ll have a double cheeseburger and fries with a side of coleslaw.” 

WAITRESS WITH THE BUCKLE SHOES - She writes your orders down. “Anything to drink?”

KIM - “Tea? With cream.”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - You’ll have a beer!

YOU - “Cherry soda.” You smile your most winning smile at the girl. “Please think about it. I think we could really reclaim Hjelmdallerman as a communist icon if we try.”

WAITRESS WITH THE BUCKLE SHOES - “I…” She paused, smiling nervously. “I will, sir.” She leaves in a hurry, tapping lightly across the linoleum floor like a little deer.

KIM - He looks at you askance, his chin resting on his palm. His eyes scrunch shut and he smiles, snorting silent laughter. He breathes out slowly through his nose, takes his glasses off, and polishes them. 

YOU - You look around the room at all the food— breads and meats and vegetables and pies and cakes and— and realize your stomach is making a valiant attempt to eat itself. By the time your meal comes out, you are literally, physically drooling. 

YOU - You bite your cheeseburger like it’s your last meal and the first thing you’ve ever eaten all rolled up into one. Ketchup runs down your lip onto your chin, and instead of being a respectable human being, you lick it off. 

YOU - You feel the need to explain yourself to Kim. “Kim, I’ve—” You pause, finishing your mouthful. “Been so fucking hungry since I stopping drinking.” 

KIM - He nods. “That’s a common symptom.” He takes a fry from your plate and eats it. “You’re not getting all the sugar from alcohol, so you feel like you need to eat more to make up for it.”

YOU - You nod in agreement, tearing another bite off your burger. 

KIM - He watches you eat, not picking up his sandwich or his spoon. “Have you thought about joining a program?”

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Easy : Failure] - A Program? Like a variety show? Or like a program for a radio computer? More context is required. 

YOU - “What kind of program?”

KIM - “A support group. For keeping sober.” He dips the corner of his sandwich into his soup and watches a drip of tomato soup plop back into the bowl. “Like Recovering Alcoholics Together.” He bites the corner of his sandwich with his front teeth— not dainty, but careful. 

YOU - “...RAT?”

KIM - He sighs before he speaks.

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - He has had this exact conversation before. Multiple times.

KIM - “An unfortunate acronym, I know. But…” 

YOU - “No, I kind of like that. I could see myself as a RAT.” 

KIM - He chuckles through his sandwich. “I can get you information about them.” He takes another fry from your plate.

  1. **“So, do you _really_ want to join Section 41? Really really?”**
  2. “How’s your food?”
  3. “So now that we know each other, you should tell me a secret about yourself.”



KIM - He stops chewing for a second, squinting slightly. “Harry, you know that’s the fourth time you’ve asked me that since last night?” 

YOU - You were not aware that you had asked so many times.

KIM - “Are you starting to have second thoughts about me joining your team?”

EMPATHY [Medium : Success] - He is asking sincerely. He thinks the issue is _your_ feelings, not your fears about _his_ feelings.

YOU - “No!” Your mouth is full, so you swing your hands wildly in front of your face. “I just…” You swallow and shrug. “Kim, our record is just…” You shake your head. “And I’m supposed to be _leading_ when I don’t even…” You gesticulate instead of finishing your thoughts. “Aren’t you… aren’t you afraid you’re just going to end up babysitting me the whole time?”

KIM - “No.” He pauses, a spoonful of soup halfway to his lips. “Is that what you think I’ve been doing?” 

YOU - “...yes?” 

KIM - He gives you that single raised eyebrow that says ‘well, that’s dumb.’ He eats a bite of his soup. “I haven’t.” 

KIM - He takes a moment to eat more of his sandwich and another spoonful of soup. He swallows, and shrugs. “I like working with you. You take me out of my comfort zone.”

KIM - He bows his head to the left, licking his teeth as he thinks. “Now, don’t get me wrong, that first day…” His eyes open a little wider. “When you asked Garte _what money was_ …” 

KIM - He nods, looking at his food. “But I appreciate how you challenge me to interrogate my assumptions and perspective.”

DRAMA [Easy : Success] - Every word is true, sire. 

COMPOSURE [Challenging : Failure] - You feel your whole face change like a chameleon to match Kim’s soup. This might be the kindest thing anyone has ever said to you, although… you only have about a week of data to corroborate this. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Medium : Success] - You should probably offer to give him a handy under the table. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - Or maybe eat his soup? You should eat his soup.

YOU - You change the subject immediately, because you don’t want to say anything incredibly stupid.

  1. **“So how’s your food, Kim?”**
  2. “So now that we know each other, you should tell me a secret about yourself.”



KIM - He smiles, soft, more with his eyes than his mouth. 

EMPATHY [Medium : Success] He knows you’re purposefully changing the subject. He’s fine with that. 

KIM - “Excellent.” He takes another of your french fries. “Although I was hungry enough that I might have eaten hardtack.” 

YOU - “Excuse me, I didn’t ask how _my_ food was.” You gesture to the fry halfway in his mouth. 

KIM - He gives you a marksman’s stare as he very deliberately eats the rest of it. “Where’s your communist spirit, detective?”

AUTHORITY [Easy : Success] - You don’t have to take that kind of lip from a subordinate. You should show him who’s boss. Eat some of _his_ food.

LOGIC [Medium : Success] - Soup isn’t really a food that allows for easy pilfering. You could… borrow his spoon? 

SAVOIR FAIRE [Easy : Failure] - Except you _still_ haven’t brushed your teeth.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Failure] - STICK YOUR FINGERS IN HIS SOUP.

KIM - “Besides, I’m paying.” 

YOU - “Wait—” Your brows furrow. “I can pay my fair share. I still have a few réal from the Mega Rich Light Bending Guy.” 

KIM - He shakes his head. “My treat. You can pay for everything on the shopping list.” 

YOU - You spear a forkful of coleslaw and jam it into your desperate maw.

PERCEPTION (TASTE) [Easy : Success] - God, everything just _tastes so good_. You should get sober more often.

YOU - “What’s on the list, anyway?”

KIM - He pulls his notepad from his pocket, biting into his sandwich with the other hand. He finishes chewing before he reads. “Sponges. Detergent. Gloves. Scouring powder. Hand soap. Toothpaste and toothbrushes.” He stops reading and spoons soup into his mouth. 

KIM - “I threw away all the pain medication in the medicine cupboard because I didn’t know if it was…” He shrugs. “Actually pain medication. So you need new meds, too.” He breathes out slowly, looking over the rest of the list. “You should see if you can borrow a vacuum from someone.” 

EMPATHY [Medium : Success] - The list is much longer than that, but he doesn’t want to overburden you right now. 

YOU - You think about the enormous pile of foul, stinking laundry on your unlivable soiled bed. You frown. “I guess I should figure out if there’s a laundry room tonight.” 

PAIN THRESHOLD [Challenging : Success] - If you have to go up and down the stairs that many times, you’ll probably die. Just giving you a heads up, man. 

KIM - Spoon touching his lower lip, he shrugs. “It can wait until tomorrow.”

YOU - “I do have a _little_ bit of pride, Kim,” you protest.

DRAMA [Medium : Success] - You actually don’t, but he accepts your pitiful assertion of basic personhood. 

YOU - “I’m not going to sleep in a pile of puke rags.” 

DRAMA [Challenging : Success] - You have done exactly that many times, sire. 

YOU - “Anymore,” you add, with a cough. 

KIM - He looks puzzled once again. “I didn’t mean to imply it could wait because you have low hygiene standards. I meant it could wait because you should stay with me again tonight.” He grimaces. “Did you _see_ your bathroom?” 

YOU - You did not, actually. You let him deal with the concoction of drugs that was likely to be in there. You’re suddenly aware that you haven’t had to pee since you woke up.

ENDURANCE [Easy : Success] - You should probably drink water occasionally. 

YOU - You want to thank him, but he has yet again rendered you speechless. You pick up five french fries and jam them all in your mouth at once, muttering an embarrassed “thank you” through a morass of spuds. 

KIM - Nods thoughtfully, dunking his sandwich in his soup once again. 

  1. **“Well, if we’re going to be having a _sleepover_ anyway, you should tell me a secret about yourself, since you didn’t before.”**



KIM - “No.”

YOU - “Yes.”

KIM - “As a detective, don’t you have any intellectual curiosity?”

YOU - “Of course I do. That’s why I want you to tell me your secrets.”

KIM - “No, I mean…” He sighs. “Where’s your drive to uncover clues and piece a puzzle together? I’d be doing you a disservice if I just _told you_ my secrets.” He grins, looking for a split second almost predatory. “I want you to figure them out yourself.”

COMPOSURE [Challenging : Failure] - The way he says it goes _right_ to your groin. And you feel like somehow, everyone in the cafeteria knows this. The back of your neck grows hot and your palms become clammy. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - There’s a perfectly serviceable men’s bathroom in this cafeteria. You should ask him to join you for a moment or two. 

EMPATHY [Medium : Failure] - You think maybe he’s teasing you about the way you get information out of people. But maybe also he’s telling you he wants you to… strip him? 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - You should assume it’s the latter.

VOLITION [Challenging : Success] - Please take a moment to recall how easily that one is compromised.

INLAND EMPIRE [Medium : Success] - Kim is a gift, wrapped in bright orange paper and tied with a ribbon of smoke. He’s asking you: Harry, coax the package open— unravel the wisps of nicotine steam and touch what lies beneath. 

VOLITION [Challenging : Success] - He is almost certainly not doing that. 

YOU - “Fine. But I’m going to dig through all your drawers tonight.”

KIM - “You can sleep on your pile of dirty laundry in your apartment tonight, then.” His expression is placidly neutral, but you are cowed into dropping the subject. 

  1. [Savoir Faire : Godly] You should ask him if he’s single. 
  2. [Composure : Godly] You should tell him what you’ve figured out about your sexuality.
  3. [Drama : Godly] You should take his hand in yours and recite love poetry. 



YOU - You …you cannot think of another topic of conversation. You ask yourself, _‘really? These are my options?’_

KIM - He lifts his bowl to beneath his chin to make eating easier. He ladles soup, apparently comfortable in the silence you are unintentionally creating.

  1. [Savoir Faire : Godly] You should ask him if he’s single. 
  2. [Composure : Godly] You should tell him what you’ve figured out about your sexuality.
  3. [Drama : Godly] You should take his hand in yours and recite love poetry. 



YOU - Nothing else comes to mind, except total inanity. 

  1. “You are wearing orange.”
  2. “I have a burger.”
  3. “The waitress was a teenager.”



YOU - You clear your throat. Inanity it is.

  1. **“You are wearing orange.”**
  2. “I have a burger.”
  3. “The waitress was a teenager.”



KIM - He barely reacts. One of his eyebrows moves very slightly.

EMPATHY [Trivial : Success] - He is shockingly used to your word vomit by now. 

KIM - He waits for you to expand on your banal observation.

YOU - “Is… that your favorite color?”

KIM - He purses his lips very slightly, contemplative. “I suppose so.” 

KIM - When you don’t react, he makes small talk: “How about you?”

    1. [Savoir Faire : Godly] You should ask him if he’s single.
    2. **[Composure : Godly] You should tell him what you’ve figured out about your sexuality.**
    3. [Drama : Godly] You should take his hand in yours and recite love poetry. 



YOU - “I think I’m bi-sexual.”

KIM - He covers his mouth with his hand to prevent laughing soup onto the table.

EMPATHY [Medium : Success] - He knew you were gearing up for _something_ , but that was not the response he was expecting to ‘what’s your favorite color.’ 

KIM - “I’m,” he wipes at the corner of his mouth with his napkin, which he has hastily picked up. “I’m sorry. I think that’s great,” he smiles, trying very hard not to look like he’s laughing _at_ you, “You just… surprised me with your timing.”

YOU - “I know I told you I was done thinking about it—”

KIM - He smirks. “But you weren’t?”

YOU - “I wasn’t.” You shake your head. “And I’ve come to the conclusion that while this is probably not something I knew about myself previously, it’s something I’m ready to know about myself now.”

KIM - He looks at you with genuine fondness.

EMPATHY [Formidable : Success] - The fondness of an animal watching its young leave the nest, or a teacher whose students have learned a particularly difficult concept.

KIM - “I’m not too surprised. Most hetero-sexuals don’t spend quite that much time worrying about whether or not they’re hetero-sexual. But I’m glad you seem to be feeling reasonably comfortable about it.”

EMPATHY [Formidable : Failure] - The look he gives you next you cannot even begin to fathom. It’s like he’s attempting to do long division on your soul with his eyes. 

YOU - The desire to say the other, significantly stupider, things fades. 

KIM - “This has been our game all along, you know,” he sighs, sipping his tea. “Infiltrating the RCM, converting upstanding officers to our…” He breaks, just slightly, unable to say the rest without a tiny, droll tilt of the mouth, “Moral degeneracy.” 

YOU - Play along. “Is there a handbook, by any chance? I feel like I’m missing some key information about what my role and responsibilities are.” 

KIM - “I have an extra copy back home.” His expression becomes gravely serious. “The very first rule is that you can’t wear a Man from Hjelmdall t-shirt, though.”

  1. **Pull your t-shirt off over your head.**



YOU - You disrobe in the cafeteria booth.

KIM - In an intense and panicked whisper, he gestures at your naked torso and hisses, “ _What the fuck!?”_

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy : Success] - People are _definitely_ looking at you.

INLAND EMPIRE [Medium : Failure] - Time stops. You feel a dissolving of the boundaries of universal law. You can’t tell how many people are staring, or how many people are whispering about you, or whether anyone has noticed or cares at all. Kim’s back is very stiff, and that is the only constant in the timeless bubble you’ve created with your bare chest.

PERCEPTION (HEARING) [Medium : Success] - From across the crowded room, you hear a gruff man’s voice— “Is that— goddamit.” The clattering of a heavy cast iron pan against a stovetop. A door swinging. The same gruff voice: “Du Bois!” 

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Trivial : Success] - A large bald man in a smeared, tattered apron is approaching at high speed. He has a spatula, brandished like a weapon, and it is pointed at you.

SPATULA WARRIOR - “ _Du Bois_ , you degenerate fucker, I told you _last time_ that if you _strip_ in my goddamn cafeteria, if doesn’t matter that you’re a cop, I’m going to _beat your sweaty disco ass_ six ways from Sunday, and here you are, _stripping in my goddamn cafeteria._ ” 

KIM - His expression wavers between abject horror and utter hilarity.

    1. [Drama : Medium] “I’m _so_ sorry. I was just asking my friend here if he thought this mole looked like something I should get checked out.”
    2. **[Savoir Faire : Formidable] “Oh, it was _this_ cafeteria I was supposed to stop stripping in? I’m so sorry. I’ll remember next time.”**
    3. [Suggestion : Impossible] “I have my shirt on. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
    4. [Composure : Formidable] “This shirt really isn’t age-appropriate for me, so I think I’ll just keep it off, if you don’t mind.”



SPATULA WARRIOR - “I’m gonna beat the shit out of you, Du Bois.”

KIM - “I’m sorry,” he intervenes. “My friend here is suffering from total retrograde amnesia, and we were hoping that we might be able to spark some memories by going to his favorite places.” 

KIM - He shoots you a look that is supposed to read as censure, but you can tell has been stirred up with amusement. “Unfortunately it only seems to have triggered _muscle_ memory. He’s going to put his shirt on and behave.” 

YOU - “It’s true. I drank so much I forgot my name.” You smile your winningest smile, picking your shirt up. “I woke up in a hostel room and didn’t even know I was a police officer.” You slip the hideous garment back over your head. 

KIM - “You can ask any of the other officers to corroborate. He’s recovering from what we believe is serious head trauma.”

SPATULA WARRIOR - He glares at Kim. 

KIM - He doesn’t give him a chance to say anything else. “I apologize for any commotion. But I assume it’s alright for us to stay, considering his condition, so long as he adheres to the dress code?” He raises his eyebrow. 

EMPATHY [Formidable : Success] - The Spatula Warrior realizes suddenly that any commotion that was caused was more or less his own fault. Certainly, you had broken the dress code, but _he_ was the one who ran screaming through the restaurant. He won’t back down, but he will back off. Kim’s eyebrow can have that effect on people.

SPATULA WARRIOR - He shakes his spatula at you both. “Thin ice, Du Bois. _Thin ice_.” 

KIM - He watches him return to the kitchen, and then slowly turns his head back to you.

PAIN THRESHOLD [Medium : Failure] - Here it comes. He’s going to yell at you.

COMPOSURE [Challenging : Failure] - He’s disgusted with you. You took it too far, like always. You should probably start crying.

KIM - “I guess you must know him.”

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - Definitely sarcasm. 

KIM - “Do you know _why_ you do the things you do?” His eyes are unreadable, but his mouth is soft.

EMPATHY [Challenging : Success] - The question is entirely earnest; he’s just curious. 

YOU - You shake your head. “Not always. Sometimes it’s… sometimes it’s just an uncontrollable impulse, I guess.” 

KIM - A curious little smile, a cheerful question, plays on his lips. “I wonder if you were always like this. Did you do things like…” His eyebrows come together. “Steal clothes and… start dance parties and… strip in public places when you _taught gym_?”

YOU - “I’d like to think so. Maybe I picked kids up and shot-putted them out the window.”

KIM - “Or came to work in a unitard and taught all the other teachers line dancing.”

YOU - He _really_ isn’t angry with you. Somehow. “Thank you, by the way. Nice cover story.”

KIM - He shrugs. “I don’t want to have to leave before I get a slice of pie.” 

EMPATHY [Godly : Success] - What he means is: you have a chance to start again with these people, Harry. Don’t blow it. 

  1. **“What kind of pie?”**
  2. “Huh. You didn’t strike me as a dessert man.”
  3. “So what are some of the other rules?”



KIM - He looks over at the desserts under glass domes on the counter. “Lemon.”

INLAND EMPIRE [Easy : Success] - Not… orange?

YOU - You look over as well. “That sounds good, actually.”

KIM - He stops suddenly in what he’s doing, like a projector out of reel.

EMPATHY [Medium : Success] - He’s more than vaguely inconvenienced by whatever just came into his head, and he’s deciding whether he should say it.

KIM - Offhandedly, he suggests: “We can share, if you want.”

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - He doesn’t actually want to share. He wants a piece of pie, not half a piece of pie.

YOU - “Actually, on second thought,” you backpedal, looking again at the desserts, “I feel like I might want cherry pie.” You shrug. “Thank you, though.”

KIM - He looks incredibly relieved.

  1. **“You know, you don’t strike me as a dessert man.”**
  2. “So what are some of the other rules?”



KIM - “You don’t strike me as an art critic.” He finishes off his soup, swiping the last bite of grilled cheese along the bottom of the bowl to collect any vestiges of broth. “People are complex.”

YOU - You wonder if you are actually complex, or if you’re just a collection of unhinged impulses glued together with shame and self-loathing. 

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Formidable : Success] - Is _any_ person more than a collection of actions, guided by impulse? You are but a stimulus-response machine, as are we all. The only thing that elevates us above our animal brethren is _art_ . Our ability to output true beauty despite the inherent limitations of our minds _is_ what makes us human. If you create no art, you create no meaning.

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Formidable : Success] - While stimulus-response conditioning hasn’t been _debunked_ , that model of assessing human behavior _is_ considered fairly reductionist these days. The theory thrives on a desire for order and ordered thinking, which… 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - YOU SHOULD ORDER A POT ROAST. A WHOLE POT ROAST. 

DRAMA [Medium : Success] - This seems like a truly delightful group of people in this cafeteria, sire. Have you thought about serenading them?

VOLITION [Formidable : Success] - ...which is clearly not the defining feature of human thought. 

KIM - He takes another of your fries while you’re distracted. 

YOU - You glare at him, and mash the rest of the fries into your waiting maw to avoid any further theft. When you finish chewing, you ask:

  1. **“So what are some of the other rules?”**



KIM - He looks genuinely baffled. 

LOGIC [Easy : Success] - The thread of this conversation has gone way too far afield from the topic at hand for him to understand without additional context.

YOU - “From the handbook.” You wink, badly. “The _handbook_.”

KIM - He squints slightly.

EMPATHY [Medium : Success] - It was funny before, but it’s not really funny anymore. Not after you nearly got yourself kicked out of the cafeteria. 

YOU - “I understand.” You nod. “I’m going to have to pass some kind of hazing ritual before you tell me the other rules.”

KIM - “Yes.” He doesn’t smile, but he wants to. “Forty lashes.” 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Formidable : Success] - Honestly… 

LOGIC [Formidable : Failure] - Um.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Godly : Success] - You heard me, nerd. 

PAIN THRESHOLD [Formidable : Success] - ‘Honestly’ _indeed_.

LOGIC [Impossible : Failure] - Are we into S&M!? 

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Easy : Success] - S&M, or sado-masochism, is—

VOLITION [Challenging : Success] - YOU SHOULD PROBABLY PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER BEFORE KIM SEES THE FACE YOU’RE MAKING. 

KIM - He opens his mouth to speak— probably to tell you to stop making the face you’re making— but he’s interrupted by the arrival of the Waitress with the Buckle Shoes.

WAITRESS WITH THE BUCKLE SHOES - “How were your meals? Is there anything else I can get you?” She seems quieter and less invested in customer service than she had been previously.

SAVOIR FAIRE [Easy : Failure] - Blinded by your show of masculine physique, most likely.

YOU - You are exceptionally glad for an interruption from your burgeoning realization that you _probably_ like it kind of rough. That’s a thought project for another time. “Excellent, thank you.” You lean your head on your hand. “Tell me, is the waitstaff here unionized? Are you receiving adequate pay and benefits?” You look at her with deep concern. “Is this a worker-owned business?” 

WAITRESS WITH THE BUCKLE SHOES - “My boss told me I’m not allowed to talk to you except to get your orders.” She is quiet but firm. 

KIM - “Could I get a slice of lemon pie, please? And a slice of cherry for my civic-minded friend?”

WAITRESS WITH THE BUCKLE SHOES - She nods, jotting your orders down, and leaves. As she walks away she gives you a hesitant, nervous look, like stray cat being offered food by someone who usually kicks animals. 

SAVOIR FAIRE [Easy : Failure] - Poor girl. She’s too young to see such a specimen of manhood and get away unscathed. Her psychosexual development is likely to take a strange turn, now.

YOU - You look at Kim, who is sipping his tea. You still aren’t sure if he’s _handsome_ , exactly, but you are definitely attracted to him. Hardly an appropriate thing to be considering your circumstances. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Challenging : Success] - Jean gets off the phone with precinct 57. Kim’s transfer is being put into motion. He lights a cigarette at his desk and looks at Judith with wary puzzlement. He takes a long drag and sighs. “I just don’t understand what Harry could have done to convince this guy— who has a stellar record, by the way— to follow him here.” Judith looks at Jean. She’s busy with a case file and has clearly tired of this line of thinking already, but she pretends to listen. Jean scratches at his stubbly chin. “You think he’s deranged, too?”

YOU - “Hey. Is it a secret?” You spread your palms wide, fingers out. “That you’re…”

KIM - He shrugs a one-shouldered shrug. “If someone asks, I usually won’t lie.” He gives you an open look, unguarded. “But it’s also not information I’m usually compelled to volunteer, either.”

YOU - “Does anyone at 57 know?”

KIM - “Yes. Although it hardly matters in my work as a detective.” His composure slips, just slightly. “And… cops can be very hung on _machismo_.”

YOU - You are about to make a comment about how that’s stupid and that being a _real man_ just means persevering, standing up for your ideals, and uniting the workers of the world, but the waitress comes back with your pie before you can make a speech that is surely going to be a treatise on, somehow, the intersection of communism and Contact Mike.

WAITRESS - “Enjoy.” She places a fork and a small plate with a slice of pie in front of each of you, and then leaves so quickly she may as well have vanished. 

LOGIC [Easy : Failure] - Her boss must be very anti-union.

YOU - You take the new fork, and before it touches your filthy mouth, reach across the table and take a single bite of Kim’s lemon pie.

PERCEPTION (TASTE) [Easy : Success] - Tart and silky, with a buttery, eggy sweetness. You feel that somehow this is a metaphor for something, but what exactly you couldn’t say.

KIM - Annoyed but unsurprised, Kim reaches across the table and takes a bite of your pie.

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - He is doing it more out of a sense of fair turnaround than a desire to eat your pie. 

YOU - You kind of like that. 

EMPATHY [Medium : Success] - He wouldn’t have done that when he first met you. 

KIM - As he’s chewing, he moves his own plate closer to himself, just a little. His eyes narrow.

CAFETERIA NEAR YOUR APARTMENT - You finish your dessert and pay the bill. On the way out, you whisper to a waiter that the staff shouldn’t be afraid of the Spatula Warrior, and that you would be happy to discuss workers’ rights with them any time. Kim waits by the door, arms crossed. 

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - He wants _so_ badly to roll his eyes, but he lets you attempt to radicalize the waitstaff anyway.

YOU - You go shopping together, and it feels like you’re in love. 

COMPOSURE [Medium : Failure] - You are poorly equipped to handle domesticity. Splitting up a shopping list makes you giddy. When Kim asks you if you like bananas, holding a slightly green bunch up by the stem before adding them to your shared basket, you want to propose. 

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - After all— fresh fruit hardly comes easy on an RCM salary. 

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Medium : Success] - Potassium deficiency is frequently a problem in recovering alcoholics. 

SUGGESTION [Challenging : Success] - He’s doing it for you. Get down on your knees and offer your hand, you fool.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - You should _definitely_ get on your knees, Harry-boy. But not to propose.

ENDURANCE [Challenging : Failure] - That is _not_ how this is going to work— you’re not some _bӧy_ who services— 

KIM - He tilts his head into your line of vision. He eyes the bag of rice you’re holding with suspicion. “The rice isn’t talking to you, is it?”

DRAMA [Medium : Success] - That might be a better tactic than telling him you’re contemplating a, shall we say, _oral union_ with him. Just a thought, sire.

YOU - “Not yet,” you dissemble. “But I felt a connection with it.” 

KIM - He looks at it and nods, curtly. “I _am_ actually out of rice.” 

YOU - You add it to the basket and finish your shopping. When you get back to Kim’s apartment, you brush your teeth for so long that Kim calls after you from the kitchen, asking if you’ve drowned. 

SAVOIR FAIRE [Medium : Success] - You should probably kiss him to demonstrate the cleanliness of your mouth. 

KIM’S APARTMENT - The rest of the evening passes in easy companionship— something you suspect you are relatively new to. You think about Jean, with whom you still haven’t had a civil conversation, and Judith, who looks at you with that withering mixture of pity and timidity, and… of Her, and how you still only really remember the hurt and the ache and the longing and the leaving.

INLAND EMPIRE [Formidable : Success] - You love her, still. And you know that at some point, long ago, she loved you. But you don’t remember what it was like to be by her side. There are snippets— but your life with Dora remains a scrapbook with most of the pages torn out. 

EMPATHY [Formidable : Success] - The way someone smells, the way they look in the lamplight— that’s not who they are. Who were you, when you loved this woman? Who was she?

KIM’S APARTMENT - You help him with dinner, and you listen to the radio together. You talk about Kim’s background as an officer. You could talk his head off on a thousand vapid topics, but you don’t. You let him lead the conversation. You think about how many times he has called you his _friend_ today.

YOU - You want to shower before bed, because you still feel like you’re in an envelope of alcoholic grime from your apartment, and you cannot bear to carry that into Kim’s bed. You get up and inform Kim of your plans.

KIM - He pushes his glasses up his nose very slightly. His face is a mask; suddenly he is a consummate professional, and you are a client. Or a suspect.

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - Or a patient.

KIM - “Harry, when you get out of the shower…” He clears his throat. “I think it would be a good idea for me to look at your wound. Fix the dressings if necessary, see if there’s any sign of infection.” 

YOU - You look down at your own crotch, like an idiot. 

LOGIC [Trivial : Success] - The bullet did not hit you in the crotch.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - Crotch, thigh, whatever. When the pants come off, it’s all fair game. 

VOLITION [Easy : Success] - This is _clearly_ not a sexy situation. He wants to make sure you don’t have _sepsis_.

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Easy : Success] - The percent mortality rate of gunshot wound victims who die of sepsis is difficult to ascertain, as most death reports will only list ‘gunshot injury.’ Even so, it is the second leading cause of death in hospitals. You experienced a bacterial infection after being shot, and so should be on high alert for symptoms of sepsis. Symptoms of sepsis include—

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Failure] - Yeah, okay. If it’s not a sex thing, why is he all squirrelly? 

YOU - You look at Kim’s face. He _does_ look nervous.

EMPATHY [Formidable : Success] - He is afraid that you will say no, because you are prone to wildly self-destructive behavior. He doesn’t want to have to argue with you, but he is prepared to. He is concerned you’re going to feel belittled, babied, incapable— and that this is going to make you behave irrationally. 

PAIN THRESHOLD [Challenging : Success] - In other words, he _knows_ you’re just a cornered animal looking for someone to bite. How does that feel?

YOU - You don’t want to be a cornered animal. Not with him. 

YOU - So you make a joke out of it. “Am I going to have to take my pants off for this? You know how I worry about my modesty.” 

KIM - His eyes flutter shut in temperate annoyance. 

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - He is thinking back on how many dozens of times you abruptly dropped your trousers and changed into new ones in front of the citizens of Martinaise. 

KIM - He jokes back. “Yes. But you can wear your culturally insensitive robe to ensure your privacy.” 

YOU - You nod, and shower. When you get out, you nervously approach Kim. Where does he want you to sit? Will he need you to lie down somewhere?

YOU - You grin. Grimace. Same thing. “Where do you want me?”

KIM - He sits with a small leather medical bag. “Lie down on the couch, so your left side is on the outside.”

YOU - You do as you’re told, internally screaming:

VOLITION [Challenging : Success] - DON’T MAKE THIS WEIRD.

ENDURANCE [Challenging : Success] - Don’t turn this into a homo-sëxual thing. 

LOGIC [Challenging : Success] - It’s a medical procedure. You wouldn’t get sweaty palms and an increased heart rate from a doctor checking your temperature, would you?

COMPOSURE [Challenging : Success] - Do _not_ get an erection. You will have to start drinking again if you get an erection, because you will _have to_ forget it ever happened.

VOLITION [Challenging : Success] - SERIOUSLY, _DON’T MAKE THIS WEIRD._

YOU - You have been taping a plastic bag over the dressings to shower, so there’s tape gunk in the hair on your thigh. You see it, starkly, as Kim lifts your robe and places his hand on your knee.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Failure] - But what if you _did_ get a boner— what then?

COMPOSURE [Challenging : Success] - Death by shame. Eternal mortification and self-flagellation. 

KIM - His hands are on your thigh, gentle but sure. He leans in close to you.

LOGIC [Easy : Success] - Think about something unsexy. 

PAIN THRESHOLD [Medium : Success] - Lely’s body, decomposing in a tree.

COMPOSURE [Medium : Success] - Oh, no. No. Don’t let that become a kneejerk response, please. _‘Awkward boner? ROTTING DEAD GUY.’_

KIM - He unwraps the dressings carefully, working slowly to avoid hurting you. He has incredibly steady hands. 

YOU - You can't help but watch his face, gentle and impassive. You want to touch his cheekbones. 

KIM - “Let me know if anything hurts.” He glances at you through his glasses. 

YOU - Nothing hurts. Not so long as his dark eyes are on your face and his graceful hands are on your body. 

KIM - He cautiously palpates the skin around your wound, watching you for a wince or shudder. Seemingly satisfied, he applies antiseptic to the area, applies new gauze, and re-wraps the dressing. The whole process is over in only a few minutes.

COMPOSURE [Challenging : Success] - And you didn’t get an erection! 

KIM - “It’s looking a lot better than it was.” He pats you on the other thigh, like he’s patting the flank of an old dog. He sits back. “How’s it feeling to walk on it?”

YOU - “Pretty terrible,” you admit. “But not so terrible that I’m dying for a shot of whiskey,” you lie. 

KIM - He raises an eyebrow at you. 

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - He’s not that stupid, Harry.

YOU - “Okay.” You shrug. “I am dying for a shot of whiskey. But it’s not because of the leg.”

KIM - He sighs, not wearily, but with heart-wrenching empathy. He puts his hand on your knee. “I know we haven’t really talked about your sobriety, not at length…”

YOU - Fuck, you aren’t even comfortable calling it that yet. What’s a week and a half sober in comparison to a decade of alcoholic self-immolation?

KIM - “But I’m…” He pauses, blinking behind his glasses. He wants to take them off, to make this less immediate. But he doesn’t. He looks you in the eye. “I’m incredibly impressed with you, Harry. I think you’re undertaking something unbelievably difficult.”

EMPATHY [Impossible : Success] - He’s looking through you, into you, seeing you from every angle. He sees what you were. He sees it with greater clarity than you do, frankly. And for some reason, he believes in you anyway. 

LOGIC [Medium : Failure] - He’s as crazy as you are.

KIM - Thankfully, he doesn’t expect a response. He just holds eye contact with you for a moment. You can see how uncomfortable that makes him, and yet how compelled he feels to do so. 

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - Emotions are hard for him. You saw it with the Working Class Woman— he’s trying his damndest to make sure you know how much this matters.

YOU - You nod. When you move your head, it becomes suddenly clear that your eyes have filled with tears. You say nothing, lest you start sobbing at the lieutenant (again). 

KIM - He blinks rapidly, allowing himself to look away. “We should go to bed.” 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Trivial : Success] - YEAH WE SHOULD.

YOU - “I can take the couch tonight. I’m already lying here.”

KIM - He shakes his head. “You need room to be able to stretch your legs out.” He stands up and offers his hand. “You take the bed.” 

YOU - You protest a few more times, but he insists. You brush your teeth (again! Like a human being!) and curl up in Kim’s bed, his pillow cool against your face. You smell him as you fall asleep, and all your pain and your cravings and your longing dissipate like smoke on the spring wind. 

YOU - But then.

YOU - You see her. 

DOLORES DEI - She isn’t at the video rental store. 

DOLORES DEI - Instead, she perches, sitting almost coquettishly, atop the dented back of your crashed Coupris, surrounded by sea ice. Her long white hair blows in the careless ocean breeze, strands tangled poetically in her crown. Her tiny white sandaled feet rest on the back window of your entombed car. She should be freezing, in that sheer white dress, out here in the elements. 

DOLORES DEI - Her warmth comes from the inside, of course. That’s why she glows. 

DOLORES DEI - She’s filing her nails. 

DOLORES DEI - She speaks to you without looking. “So. You’ve found someone new.”

    1. “Never. I couldn’t. I will love only you until the day I die.”
    2. “Kim’s just a friend.”
    3. “I have. And he’s better than you ever were— he’s _never_ committed a war crime.”
    4. **Say nothing.**



DOLORES DEI - “And a man, too.” She glances at you from the corner of her eye. “Who knew you were a f**?” She smiles. “I really thought— ‘nothing he can do could ever surprise me, ever again.’ You’ve been a skipping record for so long. But this _is_ a surprise.” 

YOU - You put your hands in your pockets. You don’t have glowing lungs to keep you warm.

DOLORES DEI - “I guess there was always something _soft_ in you. Maybe that’s why you were always so sad.” She looks at you with pity. “Never strong enough to deal with the ache of living. Not like a real man.” Her face is so incredibly beautiful that all her words become truth. No one with a face like hers could lie. 

YOU - You look down at your feet. You try to think about how she is the reason you drove your car into the ocean. Exposure to that kind of beauty causes madness.

DOLORES DEI - “He’s sweet, though, isn’t he?” She tilts her head to the side. “Patient. Wants to take care of you. Thinks you’re funny still.” She looks up at the night sky. “I felt like that, once. But you killed that part of me.” 

DOLORES DEI - Her pale hands come to rest on her thighs. “I wonder how long his patience is going to last. A month?” Her brow furrows, just slightly. A tremor, not a wrinkle. “No, he’s too much of a goody-goody for that. Six months. Then he’ll say something to you like, _‘I’m sorry, but we can’t keep doing this. It’s for your own good, Harry.’_

DOLORES DEI - “It won’t be for _your_ good. It’ll be for his. Because you’re fundamentally broken, Harrier. No one can ever pour enough goodness into you to make you stop being who you are.” She looks you right in the eye, doleful, radiating pain. “So you’ll rely on him for everything. You’ll dump all your problems on him. You’ll build him up until he’s the only thing that matters in your life, and then you’ll make him a martyr.”

DOLORES DEI - “You’ll kill his kindness. You’ll reach beneath his ribcage and you’ll root around inside him until you find the thing that makes him so _good_ , and you’ll rip it out of him.”

YOU - You can feel what she’s saying. You can feel yourself tugging on a cord of viscera, clawing something soft and wet out of a hollow cavern. You look down at your hands— killer’s hands. Blood pours forth from beneath your fingernails, dark and coagulating. 

DOLORES DEI - “You’ll rip it out of him and you’ll gorge yourself on it. You’ll try to make that part of him part of you, but everything turns to rot and bile in your stomach. Because that’s who you are. That’s what you’re made of.”

YOU - The look of pity on her face is unendurable, but looking down just drowns you in a river of blood. You look up to the sky and let the wind blow the water from your eyes.

DOLORES DEI - “And do you want to know the best part?”

YOU - Truly, you do not.

DOLORES DEI - “When your done with your ritualistic cannibalism, when he’s gone, you’ll fall apart. You’ll have made your recovery all about him— _‘I’m doing this for him’_ — _‘he’ll be proud of me’_ — so once you’re on your own, it’s back to the same old shitshow. You’ll start with one drink, just to take the edge off the pain. But it’s never going to be _just one_.”

DOLORES DEI - “Soon enough, you’ll be screaming at your coworkers and throwing things through windows and waking up in strangers’ beds covered in your own vomit and… it’ll be the same as it ever was. A skipping record.”

YOU - You feel yourself sinking down into the ice. You can’t feel your feet, though your hands and legs are warm with slippery hot viscera. You are a wound in the earth; a boil on the ice out of which all the poisoned black blood of humanity pours. 

DOLORES DEI - “You must really be taken with this soft-hearted lieutenant of yours.” Her tone is absolute venom. You’ve never heard her speak like this. “I haven’t heard you say even once— _‘oh baby, oh honey, take me back, I love you like the sun and stars,’_ ” she laughs, a beautiful peal of mockery, “ _‘don’t go, you’re a goddess.’_ ” 

YOU - You turn your face away from the sky, and look directly at the glowing scar on your heart.

DOLORES DEI - For just a moment, her face is no longer beautiful. The cruelty she speaks is reflected in her cavernous eyes, and her mouth turns with acid. But in the moment you witness it, she returns to her usual beatific smile. 

DOLORES DEI - “This is what you do, though, isn’t it? You invest everything into whomever you’re currently infatuated with until there’s nothing left of you. You don’t love. You _worship_.” That look of pity— a deep well of empathy for your inevitable pain— returns. You almost believe that she really feels sad for you. “It’s why you’ll die again when he leaves.”

YOU - You want to say…

    1. “No! I still love you! I would _never, ever_ betray you! I could never love anyone but you!”
    2. “I _am_ taken with him. I think I might even love him. Because he’s better than you. He doesn’t need glowing lungs and an army and a religious movement!”
    3. “This time is different. This time is different. This time is different. This time is different.”
    4. **But you say nothing.**



YOU - The ice swallows you up. 

DOLORES DEI - “And he will leave, Harry.”

YOU - And you stain the sea red as you sink to the bottom.


	3. Up to a Balcony

ANCIENT REPTILIAN BRAIN - That’s about right, Harry-Baby. A skipping record. One bar of sad, sick music playing on repeat. Can’t even get that last word out. Just a strangled coyote yelp, over, and over and over…

LIMBIC SYSTEM - You’ve gone and spoiled it, haven’t you? It’s worse than it ever was. You’re in mourning, walking around in funerary garb, the scent of incense and blood at your feet— and now it’s for someone you’ve never even touched. You’re grieving for a future that might never… even… _happen_ …

YOU - You wake, suddenly, in Kim’s bed. You bolt up so quickly that a hot tongue of pain shoots up your thigh and into your hip; you’ve put too much pressure on your wound. You look at your hands, sweaty and shaking.

YOU - But they are clean.

PERCEPTION (SMELL) [Easy : Success] - And the aroma of coffee drifts in from the kitchen.

YOU - You can’t stop shaking. It’s like the first day— no, the _second_ day, after the speed had worn off, too— your body is not yours to control.

COMPOSURE [Medium : Failure] - You’ve absolutely soaked Kim’s sheets with sweat. You are a human moist towelette.

VOLITION [Godly : Success] - But you _didn’t_ beg your ex-wife to take you back. And you _aren’t_ covered in blood. And Kim is here, and he’s making coffee.

YOU - You stumble into the kitchen.

PAIN THRESHOLD [Challenging : Failure] - Slowly. You _might_ be bleeding.

KIM - He’s cutting a tomato you bought yesterday. He stops, hand still on the knife, and turns over his shoulder to look at you. His eyebrows move downwards and he blinks.

YOU - “Good morning,” you croak. You clear your throat. “Do you have an extra set of sheets?”

KIM - His eyes widen, and the wrinkle above his nose twitches slightly. “Uh…” He clears his throat as well. “Khm. Yes…” He licks his lips and his facial expression neutralizes. “Do you want… help?” He looks at you with pained concern. “Are you okay?”

COMPOSURE [Medium : Success] - He thinks you pissed yourself, you moron.

YOU - The words catch in your throat, and you’re certain you’ve made some kind of horrifying bug-eyed-wildman expression at Kim. “Sorry, I,” you swallow, “It’s not urgent, but I just… sweat… a lot, and figured you…” You grimace. “Didn’t think you’d want to sleep.” You make the Expression. “In my sweat.”

KIM - He blinks rapidly, his mouth spreading into a smile. He turns back to the tomato instead of letting you see his reaction. “Thank you for letting me know.” You can hear him trying not to laugh. “And good morning to you too.”

KIM - He chops the tomato. “Did you sleep okay, or…?”

YOU - “Mm.” You sigh, hobbling up to the counter. “Nightmare.”

KIM - He looks at you out of the corner of his eye. “Are you alright?”

YOU - You think about her warning. That Kim will get tired of you. That no one can put up with a human calamity like you. And you want to tell him everything is fine, so he doesn’t worry. So you aren’t a burden.

EMPATHY [Impossible : Success] - You should probably look at the way he’s looking at you.

YOU - Then you think about her other warning— that you would make your recovery all about him. That it would kill you, when he inevitably left.

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Impossible : Success] - Detective, the Lieutenant was ready and willing to help you when he thought you _voided your bladder in his bed_. It might be harder to drive him away than you think.

YOU - You take a deep breath. You point to the tomato. “Can I help?”

KIM - He nods, and hands you a small knife. He rolls an onion in your direction.

YOU - You take the knife, and carefully cut the stringy top off the onion. “I dreamt of my ex.”

KIM - He listens. He starts cutting into a green pepper.

YOU - You run the edge of the knife through the onion’s papery outer skin, making a slit down the middle. “That’s apparently a recurring nightmare.”

KIM - “You remember?” He deftly removes the soft white core, slicing the ribs away from the edible flesh.

YOU - You shake your head. “No. My limbic system told me.”

KIM - His eyebrows rise slightly.

YOU - “Usually it’s me, begging for her not to leave. Telling her things will be different this time.” You peel the two halves of the outer skin away and slice the onion down the middle. “On the island. When you said I seemed like I was having a bad dream?”

KIM - “Yes?”

YOU - “It was her. I think it’s the same every time.” You hesitate for a moment, with the knife. Your voice is quivering.

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Easy : Success] - Well, as it turns out, at least you seem to know how to chop vegetables.

KIM - He continues listening, slicing the pepper into strips.

YOU - “I tell her she can’t leave me, and she tells me I ruined everything. That I destroyed her, because I’m just too sad.” You know, intrinsically, that you have never told anyone about this before. Your throat is tight. “That even before the drinking. I was…” You swallow. “I couldn’t cut it.”

KIM - He looks at you, sidelong. He wants to interrupt.

EMPATHY [Challenging : Success] - He wants to remind you that anything she says isn’t really anyone’s words but your own. She lives in your head. She _is_ you.

KIM - But he doesn’t.

EMPATHY [Heroic : Success] - Because he knows it won’t help to hear that right now.

YOU - You feel your voice going husky. “I guess we were so poor our electricity got turned off. And I guess we were going to have a baby. And I think…” You swallow back the lump in your throat. “I think I might have hurt her, Kim.” You shake your head. “I don’t know. Maybe only emotionally.”

YOU - You shrug. “Not that that’s really better.”

KIM - He isn’t sure how to react to all of that.

SAVOIR FAIRE [Medium : Failure] - Well, you might have just accidentally implied that you beat up a pregnant woman when, in fact, you have no idea if you ever laid a finger on her. How does anyone react to that?

YOU - “But I guess that’s how it’s been for… years.” Your eyes are wet and red. Crying again, like the sorry bastard you are.

KIM - He bites at his lip, still processing. “That sounds… very difficult.”

YOU - “But then last night, we tried something different.” The space behind your eyes and nose burns. “She…” You pause in your chopping. “She told me that anybody I care about will leave me. That it’s not just her.” You swallow again. “That I’ll fuck it all up every time.”

KIM - He takes a deep breath. He dices the strips of pepper, leaning on the bridge of the knife with his hand. “Do you believe that?”

YOU - Your lip is trembling. “I don’t know.” Your teeth are chattering.

ENDURANCE [Challenging : Failure] - Don’t blubber like a wöman. Stand up for yourself, you söcialist pansy.

YOU - You want to rub your eyes, but getting onion in them will only make it worse. “It _feels_ true.”

KIM - He stops what he’s doing with the pepper and wipes his hands on a ratty floral hand towel. He turns where he’s standing and looks at you, starkly. “That’s a terrible feeling to have. I’m sorry.” He lightly rubs the back of his thumb over his upper lip, looking down for a thin slice of a moment.

KIM - He puts his hand on your upper arm, surprisingly warm and firm. “But I’m glad you’re telling me.”

YOU - You blink, and immediately regret it. Your traitor eyelids push a tear down your reddening cheeks.

COMPOSURE [Medium: Failure] - More are on their way.

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Easy : Success] - Sadness Officers arriving at the scene.

INLAND EMPIRE [Challenging : Success] - At least you _can_ cry again. You’re no longer a dry well. You are, in fact, overflowing. Everything unsaid, unshed, is pouring out of you like a primeval geyser. Your cheeks are the site of a sacred pilgrimage of tears.

YOU - You aren’t sobbing. Just leaking. Your chin quavers and you blink out a seemingly endless stream of salt, your eyelashes clumping together as your moustache collects tears. Your nose starts to ooze and you feel strangely thankful that it can still do its job after so many years of abuse.

KIM - His hand is still hot on the space where your shoulder meets your bicep. With his other hand, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a twin to the handkerchief he lent you that first day in Martinaise, freshly washed.

EMPATHY [Godly : Success] - There is… a tension in his stance that has nothing to do with you. What he’s about to say is an admission. It gets a little too close to the core of who he is.

KIM - “I know how hard it must be for you to speak honestly about all of this. Particularly as you’re also having to piece yourself back together. Because…” He presses the handkerchief into your hand, making eye contact through his palpable discomfort. “Because if I were in your position, I couldn’t.”

DRAMA [Impossible : Success] - My lord, it is true, but it isn’t _right_ . He has no idea how close he is to your own words; that it _feels_ true, even if it might not _seem_ true.

KIM - He lets go of your arm, slowly.

INLAND EMPIRE [Easy : Success] - Like pulling up an anchor.

KIM - He makes that soft-eyed face that you recognize as the world’s subtlest smile, invisible to anyone who isn’t such a finely tuned detecting instrument as you.

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Medium : Success] - Or perhaps merely invisible to anyone who isn’t so highly attuned to the Lieutenant and his feelings.

KIM - “Finish chopping before that onion makes both of us cry.”

YOU - You wipe your eyes and nose with Kim’s handkerchief, and finish your tasks as a sous-chef.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - Look at how good he is with his hands. Think about the surprising strength of his grip. You _absolutely_ want to be sous _that_ chef, if you catch my drift.

YOU - You absolutely catch that drift. You look at Kim as he’s carefully moving beaten egg around in a frying pan, forming the golden circle of an omelet, and admit: you want him to fuck you. For real.

YOU - But you also admit, in a moment of _stunning_ sobriety, that maybe you need to get your shit together a little bit before you drag someone else down into it.

YOU - Honestly: Fuck Her Supreme Holiness and everything she stands for.

YOU - You _will_ get better, and it _will_ be about Kim. You can’t help that. You care about him. But it’ll also be about proving you’re more than her assessment of you. And it’ll be about showing Jean you really mean it this time. And about being a better detective. And about making amends to people like Sylvie, and Garte, and the goddamn Spatula Warrior, and everyone else you fucked over.

EMPATHY [Impossible : Success] - And about realizing that not everyone will be able to forgive you. And that you will have to live with that.

YOU - You eat the omelet Kim has prepared. It seems very likely that it’s the most delicious thing you’ve ever eaten.

DRAMA [Medium : Success] - Could it be that it is loaded not only with onions and peppers, my liege, but his _passionate undying love_ for you?

LOGIC [Easy : Success] - Or maybe, let me remind you, it’s just because you’ve only recently recovered the ability to taste, so _everything_ tastes like the most delicious thing you’ve ever eaten.

YOU - Regardless, you thank Kim, effusively, with food in your mouth. “I feel like this is the only thing I say anymore, but thank you. This is amazing. Like eggs laid by a phoenix.” You chew. “An omelet produced by an omelet artist. An omelet _artiste_. A frameable omelet.”

KIM - He smiles, crookedly. “We both need breakfast, detective.”

YOU - “I’m not done. Thank you for the platonic ideal of omelets, that all other omelets must live up to.” You stop blustering for a moment. “But thank you also, for… all of this. For helping me with all the cleaning, and letting me stay here, and… not finding a convenient excuse to slip out the back while I’m blubbering on your produce.”

KIM - He waves it off, chewing.

EMPATHY [Medium : Success] - He’s a little burnt out on talking about feelings.

KIM - “It’s really nothing.” He shrugs, cutting into his omelet with the side of his fork. “Besides, I’m only facilitating. You’re the one who’s…” He sighs, one eye closing slightly as he tries to find a word. “Cleaning out the rooms, so to speak. Picking up the pieces.”

YOU - Your heart catches at his phrasing. You had thought the same thing yourself, that day in the church in Martinaise— that it felt less like you had amnesia than that someone had packed all your thoughts away for you to sort through at your leisure. So you could maybe wake up one day a little different. A little bit better.

KIM - He moves on, eating the last bite from his plate. “Shall we go?”

YOU - You spear and swallow the final morsel of your frameable omelet. With a mouth full of egg, you lie, “You know, you really don’t need to come.” You continue lying: “I’m fine finishing the cleaning myself today.”

KIM - He picks his plate up and walks it to the sink, then gestures for you to bring him yours. You do, and he rinses them both. He doesn’t look at you when he says, “I’m ready to go when you are.”

AUTHORITY [Medium : Failure] - He’s not even letting you argue. What kind of lieutenant double-yefreitor are you?

COMPOSURE [Easy : Failure] - One who really isn’t quite ready to go home alone, frankly.

YOU - And so you go with Kim instead. And you proceed to finish cleaning out the actual, physical rooms in which you cannot remember living your previous life. It takes hours, and you’re exhausted and hobbling by the time you’re done, but when you look around, you actually feel a little… A little…

EMPATHY [Challenging : Success] - ...proud?

YOU - That’s the word. A little proud of yourself. Your bed is made with freshly cleaned sheets. Your kitchen counters and sink and floor are scrubbed and scoured. You managed to borrow a vacuum from a neighbor who didn’t seem _completely_ disgusted with you, and the carpet is no longer full of spider legs and macaroni and dried bits of seminal fluid. You beat all the pillows from the couch outside until dust stopped coming out of them, and then you gently scrubbed the surface of all the upholstery with a light application of a mild detergent. You reorganized your closet, and laundered your clothes. You had phone service reinstated. You threw away years of now-meaningless clutter, and you polished every surface in your bathroom until you felt like you could eat off it.

INLAND EMPIRE [Medium : Success] - In this place, you wear a sense of deja vu like a housecoat. You know it’s yours, but you don’t know if its corners will ever be repopulated with familiar ghosts; for now, the space is quiet. You will have to refill it with new memories that belong to a clean floor and a fridge stocked with food instead of alcohol. The old memories moved away while you were gone.

INLAND EMPIRE [Easy : Success] - It is no longer a bower bird’s opium den; it feels like an unwritten plan or a dream waiting for sleep. There is promise here, if you can keep it.

KIM - He sighs loudly, tilting his body first to the left, then to the right, hands behind his head. “I believe,” he exhales, tugging one arm up and over his head by the wrist, “We are done, detective.”

YOU - You believe he is right. You surreptitiously check your wallet to see if you still have enough left over from the Mega Rich Light Bending Guy. Seeing you do, you offer, “If you’re not in a rush to get home, do you want to order takeout?”

KIM - He looks at you as if you’ve just proven some scientific theory. “That’s a fantastic idea.” But then his brow furrows, and he looks at his hands. “Although I don’t know if it’s safe for either of us to touch food.”

YOU - You are covered in filth, head to toe. You’ve washed your hands so many times today the skin is beginning to crack.

KIM - “Would it be presumptive of me to ask if I can use your shower?”

YOU - “Of course not.”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - Offer to join him. Get a little filthy while you get clean.

YOU - You manage to hold your tongue, but when you hear the water turn on a moment later, you find yourself lighting up like a horny fireworks show.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - Kim is naked. _Right now. In. Your. HOME._

INLAND EMPIRE [Easy : Success] - He’s all angles and lines. Thin hard limbs, ribs just visible when he reaches up to adjust the showerhead, long fingers running through short dark hair, a deluge of wet over a grateful face, skin growing pink, fathomless hard-cornered pleasure and relief and—

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Medium : Success] - JACK OFF.

YOU - Your hand is resting in a very dangerous place on your lap.

COMPOSURE [Godly : Success] - You move your hands to either side of your body. You have no idea how long he’ll be in there and, besides, it’s _clean_ in here and you hardly want to splatter your freshly cleaned upholstery.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Challenging : Success] - Your clothes are already filthy. Ball up your shirt or something.

LOGIC [Medium : Success] - He’s going to go home after you eat. You can pleasure yourself to the thought of Kim showering _later_.

YOU - You busy yourself with takeout menus. You found a few in a drawer while you were cleaning and Kim suggested you keep them until you remembered what kind of food you like.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Trivial : Success] - All… of it?

YOU - Pick what sounds best, and two backups just in case. You have to be prepared for the possibility that these might be businesses you’ve burnt bridges with.

KIM - Not long after you’ve chosen, he emerges from the bathroom. To your great distress he is not wrapped alluringly in a towel. He is in terrycloth pants with a grey cord tied in a neat bow, and a navy blue tank top. He looks just a little bit like he’s ready to warm up for a boxing match.

KIM - “All yours.” He breathes in deeply. “Thank you again. Now we won’t have to file paperwork on ourselves to the health department.” He comes and sits next to you on the couch, picking up the menus you left beside you. “What are we ordering?”

YOU - “Anything from these three.” You stand up, feeling a heady wave of self-conscious longing hit you in concert with the heat off Kim’s skin. “My wallet’s on the counter. Can you call?”

KIM - He nods, and looks down at the menus.

YOU - You get in the shower, and have a hell of a time keeping your hands off your dick. You want Kim to be in here with you, pushing you up against the cool tile wall, his strong thin hands on your wrists and in your hair and exploring places you hadn’t known you needed touched before you met him.

YOU - But you don’t. Because you don’t remember how soundproof the bathroom is, and you want to be quick.

YOU - But the thought of Kim undoing that drawstring and showing you what lies beneath still makes you weak in your already unsteady legs.

YOU - You _do_ walk out into the living room in a towel, because you’re an idiot who forgot to bring a change of clothes in with you. As you cross to the closet you catch Kim glancing at you in what looks like mild surprise, but then he goes back to reading.

LOGIC [Medium : Failure] - Why, you wonder, did he bring a book with him to clean?

YOU - You change and rejoin Kim on the couch.

KIM - He puts his book aside. He gestures with his head towards the small bookshelf against the back wall.

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy : Success] - Yesterday morning, that bookshelf was home to empty beer cans, dead batteries, a box full of dried out pens, and two pair of dirty underwear. Now, two shelves hold books, one contains usable paper and office supplies, and upon another resides a pile of games. You found the games in a trashbag labeled ‘STAKEOUT’ in illegible handwriting on a peeling piece of masking tape.

KIM - “You want to play something while we wait for food?”

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - He asks as if he just needs to pass the time, but his eyebrows say ‘please?’

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Medium : Success] - The lieutenant finds you a worthy adversary, despite your wildly misaimed campaign to bring public education to the people of the Suzerainity.

YOU - Nod agreeably. Not too much like an overenthusiastic dog, you think.

COMPOSURE [Easy : Failure] - Quite a bit like an over-enthusiastic dog.

YOU - “Pétanque?”

KIM - “I was thinking more of an indoor game.” To his credit, his face remains relatively neutral. He gets up and walks over to the shelf.

EMPATHY [Challenging : Success] - He is thinking about what he would say if you played indoor pétanque and your neighbors came to complain about the _thunk_ ing. He thinks, also, about how before meeting you, he had very rarely been in situations that would require mentally rehearsing such a conversation.

KIM - He picks a box up. “Chess?”

YOU - You nod.

KIM - “Do you remember how to play?” He puts the box down on the little table in front of the couch.

YOU - “Let’s find out.”

KIM - He folds out the board. “I can teach you if you don’t.” One by one, he carefully places pawns down on the grid, their bottoms making a soft clicking noise as they fall in line.

YOU - You’re suddenly tempted to pretend you don’t even know what chess _is._

YOU - But then, as you begin to play, your hands start to follow familiar patterns. You know how to play. Reasonably well, in fact.

KIM - He looks up at you with an unreadable expression, a pawn between the two fingers of his left hand. His pinky is up, just slightly, but it doesn’t look dainty. There’s something contemplative in the gesture.

KIM - He looks back down at the board and places his piece. He looks back up at you, unblinking.

YOU - You know it’s a challenge, but there’s something so open in his face that your heart hurts a little. You move your knight.

KIM - He responds in kind, wetting his lips slightly as he makes his next move. And then, once again, he looks up at you, unblinkingly.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - If he keeps making that face at you, you’re going to have to push this damn chess board off the table and push him into its place.

    1. [Savoir Faire : Impossible] “Let’s make a wager. If I beat you, we’re going to spend the rest of the night fucking.”
    2. [Electrochemistry : Impossible] “Knight to B4? More like my _mouth_ to your _dick_.”
    3. **[Encyclopedia : Easy] “Did you know that the longest possible game of chess would be around six thousand moves?”**
    4. [Suggestion : Challenging] “So, how did you become a homo-sexual?”



KIM - He quietly snorts. “Harry, how do you know _that_ , but not…” He spitballs, smiling. “Whether or not you’re allergic to any medication?”

YOU - “Well.” You pause, pursing your lips slightly. “I think I must really love surprises.”

KIM - He laughs. It’s short, and he covers his mouth before further mirth escapes, but it’s a wonderfully frank and lovely noise. He shakes his head slightly and places his piece down.

KIM - This time, when he looks up at you, it is not a challenge.

EMPATHY [Easy : Failure] - If you didn’t know better, you’d describe his expression as…

SUGGESTION [Easy : Success] - Tender.

DRAMA [Easy : Success] - Amative.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - Randy.

COMPOSURE [Easy : Failure] - But that would be projecting.

YOU - “What kind of medication did I _not_ have in the cabinet? Maybe I’m allergic to that.”

KIM - “Just an example,” he smiles, waving it away. “And besides, everything you had in your medicine cabinet was either expired, illegal, or for treating the side effects of something illegal.”

YOU - “Well at least we know I’m not allergic to anything I might need to taste at a crime scene, then.”

KIM - His eyebrows shoot up and then furrow. “Sometimes… I truly cannot tell if you’re joking.” He scratches slightly behind one lens of his glasses.

YOU - “Me either.” You capture one of his knights.

KIM - “But you _do_ remember how to play chess,” he grumbles.

EMPATHY [Medium : Success] - He’s completely invigorated by you taking an early lead.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Impossible : Success] - He wants to beat you. But he wants to do it by the skin of his teeth. He wants to be on top, but he doesn’t want it to be easy. He gets off on it being hard.

    1. [Savoir Faire : Impossible] “I see that look. Here’s a bet: if I beat you, we’re going to spend the rest of the night fucking.”
    2. [Electrochemistry : Impossible] “Looks like I took your knight. Now when are you going to take me?”
    3. **[Suggestion : Challenging] “So, how did you become a homo-sexual?”**



YOU - You cannot quite believe those words just came out of your mouth.

LOGIC [Medium : Success] - Since he has no idea you’re sitting here salivating over his dick, from his perspective you just completely changed the subject to harass him about his sexuality.

SAVOIR FAIRE [Medium : Failure] - Smooth.

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - But it rolls off him. He squints a little, but he’s not upset.

KIM - “I don’t know if _became_ is the…” He blinks, moving his bishop. “I guess the usual way.”

YOU - “What’s the usual way?”

KIM - He shrugs, just his shoulders. “Oh, you know.”

YOU - You position yourself on the board for a major opening in two or three turns. You want to control the tempo. “I don’t know.” You grin at him. “I didn’t know what a homo-sexual was a week ago. I need… data.”

KIM - He looks at you from above his glasses, fondly disdainful. “How did _you_ figure it out?”

DRAMA [Medium : Success] You should… perhaps _omit_ the details regarding Kim’s centrality to this equation, my liege.

YOU - “I… couldn’t stop thinking about the smoker on the balcony.” You shrug.

KIM - His face lights up with mischief. “Really? I hadn’t noticed.”

YOU - You take one of his pawns in retribution. Not a well-calculated move, but an emotionally resonant one. “And then when he flirted with me…”

KIM - “When _you_ flirted with _him_ ,” he suggests, gently, but with an edge of revelry.

YOU - “I started thinking, ‘wow, what _is_ a homo-sexual?’”

KIM - He wasn’t expecting that, although he really should have been. His mouth scrunches up in something resembling a smile, but somehow also radiating psychic pain. The Kim version of The Expression. He makes a move that plays right into your set-up. “And then you thought about it for eight hours.”

YOU - “Exactly.” You continue the bolstering of your forces. “And then I lied and told you I was done thinking about it, and you told me you were part of the homo-sexual underground, and then I kept thinking about it secretly for about twelve more hours.”

KIM - “I’m surprised we solved the case.”

YOU - “And then with my newfound knowledge, I started to think about the feelings I was experiencing around the smoker, and I realized those feelings were sexual arousal.”

KIM - Behind his glasses, his eyes widen considerably.

EMPATHY [Medium : Failure] - Oh no. That was too much. He wasn’t thinking it was going to be that lewd and now he’s uncomfortable.

KIM - “Harry, it took you _twenty hours_ to figure out you were turned on?”

EMPATHY [Trivial : Success] - Or… maybe not.

YOU - “I guess it did, Kim.”

KIM - He looks at you in wonderment. “You must have been _incredibly_ repressed before the amnesia.”

YOU - “Seems pretty likely.” You trap his rook. His queen is next. “But you still haven’t answered my question. How did you figure it out?”

KIM - He sighs, disgruntled. “Teenage hormones.” He makes an aggressive push back from his loss. “Nothing exciting.” He rolls his eyes, but there’s a smile beneath the gesture. “Next time we’re at the library together I’ll point you in the direction of the homo-sexual studies section.”

YOU - “That’s a thing!?”

PERCEPTION (HEARING) [Easy : Success] - Before Kim has a chance to explain the tiny, doomed homo-sexual studies publishing industry, there is a knock on the door.

YOU - You start to get up but Kim beats you to it. You suppose since he doesn’t have a hole in his leg, that makes some sense.

PERCEPTION [Easy : Success] - The young man at the door hands Kim the bag of food and looks around your apartment in slack-jawed bewilderment. “Whoa. Did the crazy drunk guy move out?”

KIM - He’s been all business since the knock, and he’s about to give this kid a lesson in authority. As much as you want to see that, you also don’t want to burn any future bridges.

YOU - You wave from the couch. “The crazy drunk is still here!”

SLACK-JAWED DELIVERY BOY - He flushes immediately. “Oh, uh, sorry, uh, Mr. Du Bois. I didn’t—”

YOU - “It’s fine! And I’m very sorry for whatever I’ve definitely done to you in the past.”

KIM - He sighs and takes the bag from the kid. You hear him whisper, venomously, “He’s trying to get clean. I’d thank you to make better choices about what kind of comments you choose to make to strangers.” He gives him a roundly teacherly look as he hands him the appropriate réal. “Have a lovely evening.”

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Challenging : Success] - A certain looseness creeps into Kim’s limbs the moment the door is closed.

EMPATHY [Challenging : Success] - He… trusts you.

PAIN THRESHOLD [Easy : Success] - A pretty dumb thing for a person to do.

KIM - “I ordered from the menu on top. If you don’t like what I got for you, we can switch.” He places the bag on the counter and removes the food from within. He brings it over to the table and hands you a hot bowl of noodles.

YOU - “Thank you.” You dig in, forgetting chess for a moment.

KIM - “You don’t have to apologize to _everyone_ , you know. Making amends is important, but…”

YOU - You reach across the couch and take a bite of whatever it is Kim has, something soft and spicy looking.

KIM - He sighs. “In polite company, that habit is going to get you in trouble.”

YOU - “Apologizing?” You ask through a mouthful of what you now recognize as meat and tofu.

KIM - He reaches into your bowl and removes a few noodles. “Stealing food.”

YOU - “It’s not stealing,” you insist. “It’s sharing. Since we’re best friends.”

KIM - He slowly turns his head and stares at you, blinking slowly, head tilted very slightly.

EMPATHY [Medium : Success] - The mixture of emotions on his face should be an incompatible cocktail of confliction. He’s annoyed, and weary, and tickled, and touched. He cannot handle your emotional bluntness, and he’s fascinated by how you seem to weaponize this bluntness to get what you want. But visually, all these feelings are just shadows; you can see each one pass in a ripple under his skin. Together, it merely reads as ‘Kim.’

KIM - “Well, you can do it to me, then.”

YOU - You grin. “But not people who aren’t my best friend.”

KIM - One side of his mouth quirks up. “Sometimes I wonder if you might be playing me, a bit.”

YOU - You feign innocence, and eat your food. When you’re done, and the last noodle has been slurped, and the table is tidy, you lean back with your hands resting, clasped together, on the top of your head.

YOU - “That was a good choice. I should put a little note in the menu that lists things I know I like.” You close your eyes for a second.

COPOSURE [Medium : Failure] - He’s going to go home now. And you’ll be here by yourself. Lying still in the dark in this place that is-yours-and-never-was. Spending the night thinking about what silent ghosts haunt you, waiting to reveal themselves when you remember something. The back of your neck starts sweating.

SUGGESTION [Challenging : Failure] - You should ask him to stay.

KIM - But instead of leaving, he returns to your game of chess. He makes a move that stymies your strategy, and you realize he’s been thinking about the game the whole time you were eating.

YOU - You swell up a little. He has to _try_ if he wants to beat you.

KIM - He takes his glasses off and cleans them as he waits for you to make a move.

YOU - You think about a counter strategy, rolling the piece around in your hand.

KIM - “You know,” Kim waffles, “if it’s all the same to you, I might stay tonight.”

YOU - You’re so surprised that you put the piece down somewhere dumb. “Here?”

KIM - He nods, and puts his glasses back on. “If you don’t mind.”

YOU - “With me?”

KIM - He looks at you with a completely straight face. “No. You can go stay at my apartment.” He picks up his other bishop and clicks it down on the board.

YOU - “Can I drive the Kineema?”

KIM - His expression shifts subtly. That smile only you can see. “Absolutely not.”

YOU - “You’re going to make me walk all the way there?”

KIM - “Of course not, Harry. I’ll drop you off.” He looks at you from below his eyelashes and you’re a half-second away from pulling him into your lap and kissing that beautiful downturned mouth. “But… seriously. Are you okay with me staying tonight?”

EMPATHY [Challenging : Success] - What he’s actually asking is: do you _need me_ to stay tonight? He’s nervous that you might have a hard time sleeping on your first night back in your own place. He’s worried that you might need someone to talk to in the middle of the night, and that you’ll wake up all alone, and then you’ll do something stupid.

LOGIC [Heroic : Success] - The book he was reading. He brought a change of clothes. He was planning on staying from the very beginning.

VOLITION [Easy : Success] - So how about it. _Do_ you need him to stay?

YOU - “Yes. Of course.” You try not to add something stupid like, ‘forever, actually, would be good.’ You smile as if everything is very casual and you don’t want Kim more than you can remember every having wanted anyone before, other than Her.

YOU - You feel like a _person_ when you’re with him.

COMPOSURE [Impossible : Failure] - And that terrifies you. Because you think maybe She might be right.

KIM - “Thanks,” he smiles, the polite one he shows other people sometimes, as if he’s not the one who’s doing _you_ a favor.

KIM - And then he proceeds to enact a series of chess plays that _obliterates_ you.

VISUAL CALCULUS [Medium : Success] - You watch the path of the pieces on the board and realize that you _might_ have had a chance before dinner. Giving him that extra planning time allowed him to see every move, a vanishing perspective line of pawns into the future.

SAVOIR FAIRE [Medium : Failure] - You’ve been roundly fucked over. Never forget how much cooler and smarter he is than you.

KIM - “Checkmate.” He blinks once, slowly. He’s not visibly smiling.

INLAND EMPIRE [Challenging : Success] - But he is electric. This will become a pastime, and then a ritual, and then a life-giving necessity. You will have games set up in the break room at the old Silk Factory. A game at his apartment and at yours. The interplay of logic and domination, a white-and-black elixir stirred up with desire and rivalry, running through both your veins like a pact.

YOU - You had no idea you even _liked_ chess.

YOU - “You’re better than me.”

KIM - “Yes.” But then he admits— and it _is_ an admission— “But not by a lot.” He opens the box to put the board away. “I’d ask where you learned how to play, but…”

LOGIC [Medium : Failure] - In your first life, you were a feral child. And in your second life, a physical education teacher. In your third, a starving beat cop in a broken-down city. Where _did_ you learn to play chess?

INLAND EMPIRE [Heroic : Failure] - Like a projector with a faulty bulb, you can see a flickering, yellowed image. A face— a kind face. Older. A man who smells like ink and glue. Someone from your second life.

EMPATHY [Challenging : Success] - Someone who ended up incredibly disappointed in you. You did something to hurt this man, and you can’t even remember his name.

YOU - You would prefer not to cry again, and if you keep thinking about this person— those people, at that school— those kids— about the circumstances you left under— well, you will.

YOU - So you lie.

YOU - “Probably learned it to fleece people out of drug money.”

KIM - His expression remains impassive, but you can tell he knows you’re lying. “Well, we all know the most accomplished players are the drug hustlers.”

YOU - “I had a jacket that said ‘Pawn to Be Wild.’”

KIM - “I can picture it.”

YOU - “I’d grind up the white pieces and mix them with speed.”

KIM - “Did you sell this mixture to people? And was this before or after you became a cop?”

YOU - “No, it was just for me. Gave me an edge over my opponents.” You try to decide whether this story is funnier with you as a teenage rebel or a middle aged man.

DRAMA [Easy : Success] - Clearly funnier if you’re a law enforcement officer, sire.

YOU - “I was obviously a cop. They called me the Knight Rider.”

KIM - He presses his lips together, hard, and looks down at the couch upholstery.

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - He wants to say something, but he can’t give himself permission.

YOU - “What?”

KIM - He pushes his glasses up. “How uncomfortable would you be if I made an off-color joke?”

YOU - You hardly feel like he needs an answer to that question, but he seems reluctant. You encourage him. “Nothing would make me happier.”

KIM - He looks off to the side slightly as he says, “Riding knights instead of horses, and you still didn’t know you were a bi-sexual? You really _must_ have been repressed.”

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Challenging : Success] - You’re a police officer. You’ve been the butt of homo-phobic jokes before— _‘when you’re done sucking the captain’s dick, get over here’ — ‘nah, Harry cries himself to sleep strokin’ it to le Million’ — ‘if you ladies are finished with your tea party’_ — but that’s not what this is. You’re included in this joke. There is a second fraternity, now, that you and Kim are both part of, and he’s telling you it’s okay to laugh about it.

    1. “How do you know they weren’t _lady_ knights? That’s very sexist of you, Kim.”
    2. **“I think I could have literally sucked someone’s dick and played it off as ‘for an investigation.’”**
    3. “Well, I always closed my eyes before knight-riding, so it didn’t count.”



YOU - You immediately freeze the moment the words are out of your mouth.

VOLITION [Easy : Failure] - You _always_ have to go and make it weird.

COMPOSURE [Easy : Failure] - You just said _sucked someone’s dick_ out loud to the very patient, quiet, straight-laced man YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON.

KIM - He bites the inside of his cheek and laughs, shakily, through his nose. His ears go completely pink. He crosses his arms and looks up at your ceiling, totally unable to look at you as he silently snorts, little dimples in his cheeks.

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - He… kind of loves that you said that.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Failure] - Now imagine how much he’d love it if you _actually_ sucked his dick!

EMPATHY [Heroic : Success] - He doesn’t really have anyone he can joke around with like this. He thinks these things, but he never says them. He felt like he was taking an enormous risk saying it to you.

INLAND EMPIRE [Medium : Success] - When you join the homo-sexual underground, you _too_ can get a free side of existential loneliness!

  1. [Savoir Faire : Challenging] You should probably make an even _less_ appropriate joke.
  2. [Composure : Heroic] Explain that your hang-ups with your ex meant that you were too emotionally constipated to figure it out.
  3. [Electrochemistry : Impossible] Tell him you think you might feel a Dick Investigation coming on at this very moment.
  4. [Suggestion : Challenging] Tease him a little about his ears.



YOU - You’re so flustered by his _unbelievably adorable reaction_ that you mush-mouth some bizarre combination of all of them:

YOU - “I’ve never investigated any dicks because I was a dick and my ex was a dick and and I might want to try at some point but I should probably stop fucking myself before I fuck anyone else and I thought you couldn’t blush but actually it turns out it’s just your ears and, I just, how do you even _meet_ other homo-sexuals, it seems like you would spend a lot of time being like, ‘hey, I’m into men and it seems like you might be into men’ and then getting punched in the teeth?”

KIM - He puts his face in his hands and laughs noiselessly, his shoulders shaking.

EMPATHY [Easy : Succes] - You broke him.

KIM - When he finally stops laughing, he answers only one part of your bizarre rambling query: “Eventually you start to just… get a vibe.” He rubs one eye behind his glasses and stands up, taking the chess box with him. “For now, maybe ask me before you go mentioning _dick investigations_ to random strangers.”

KIM - He returns the game to the shelf and stretches. You enjoy the view.

KIM - When he returns to the couch, he gives you the dirtiest possible look.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - Not in a fun way, though.

KIM - “If you mention my ears to the other members of section 41, I will frame you for a crime.”

DRAMA [Easy : Success] - Well, maybe a little bit fun, sire.

PREVIOUSLY FILTHY APARTMENT - The fridge hums. It’s trying its best, but it probably needs some kind of replacement parts sooner rather than later. You can hear footsteps in the hall, and music playing from another apartment. You make tea (turns out you bought tea) and sit around talking for a little while before you both realize you’re falling asleep on the couch. You offer Kim the bed, and he declines. You brush your teeth and shut off the lights.

PREVIOUSLY FILTHY BED - The sheets are cool, and you can hear Kim breathing on the couch. You had forgotten that a sleepover in your apartment wasn’t like a sleepover in his apartment— that it meant sleeping in the same room, a few feet apart. It was different in the bunker; he was keeping watch. Now you’re just having a slumber party.

SAVOIR FAIRE [Easy : Success] - A homo-sexual slumber party.

VOLITION [Easy : Success] - This is why parents don’t let their teenagers’ significant others sleep over.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Failure] - You could still jack off. No one is stopping you.

YOU - You grab your pillow and hold onto it with both hands. _You_ are stopping you.

PERCEPTION (HEARING) [Challenging : Success] - You can tell from the sounds of his breathing that Kim isn’t asleep yet. It’s shallow, and exceptionally quiet.

YOU - You’ve been talking all night, but you want to keep talking until morning.

INLAND EMPIRE [Easy : Success] - You don’t need to sleep to dream. You can dream right here with him. Walk through the dark with him, side by side in parallel beds. You can see the sunrise pour in through the window with him, watch his face glow orange-pink with morning light. Take his hand and walk away from the video store. Away from the sea ice. Up to a balcony where everything smells like Astras and oranges.

YOU - “Kim.”

KIM - He stirs, and yawns. “Yes, detective?”

YOU - “Tell me a secret about yourself.”


	4. Pale, Orange, Sunlight

KIM - You hear him quietly chuckle.

YOU - That’s all you were aiming for.

KIM - “Okay.” He continues laughing almost inaudibly. 

YOU - “Wait, really?”

KIM - “Sure.” He takes a deep breath in. “One time, I crashed a motorcycle into a public swimming pool.”

YOU - “This sounds like the greatest story ever.” You squeeze the pillow tight. A secret! A Kim secret!

KIM - “It’s not. But it seems like the sort of thing you would get a kick out of.” He clears his throat. “I was in high school. I saved all my money to buy the world’s shittiest motorcycle, and I more or less fixed it up. It still broke down all the time.”

  1. **“Wait— were you devastatingly cool? Did you have groupies?”**
  2. “Okay, so wait, were you a rebel with a cause?”
  3. “So, you’ve always been a torque dork?”
  4. “How did it end up in a pool?”



KIM - “No. I was a student librarian.” You hear the blankets rustle slightly. “But I was friendly with the toughs because I didn’t tell on them when they smoked on school grounds, and I’d help them with their homework.” He breathes out through his nose. “When I bought the motorcycle they let me use their garage to work on it in, but I was always…” 

KIM - “Let’s say an auxiliary member.”

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Heroic : Success] - You see Kim, 17-going-on-12, sitting on a crumbling bit of curb, sharing a cigarette with a large man in a leather jacket. No. Not a man— a boy with a beard. A tough kid masquerading as a dangerous man. Kim takes a long drag and sighs, breathing out his nose. Smoke swirls around his head and he looks so much like a child that you want to yell at him across time. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Heroic : Success] - He points to a line in the book he's holding and explains the same concept  _ again _ . The bearded boy looks at Kim with powerful, fierce affection. Paternal affection. Kim feels his eyes on him and it  _ kills him _ . He knows he’ll never be more than a little brother to this leather-bound delinquent, and it  _ breaks his goddamn heart _ .

  1. **“Okay, so wait, were you… a rebel with a cause?”**
  2. “So, you’ve always been a torque dork?”
  3. “How did it end up in a pool?”



KIM - “I was neither a rebel nor did I have a cause. My goal in high school was simply to not  _ be _ in high school any longer.” He sighs, quietly. “To that end, I was very quiet and did my work.”

YOU - “But you  _ wanted _ to be a rebel.”

KIM - “What juvenile doesn’t?” He chuckles to himself.

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Heroic : Success] - Teenage Kim sits cross-legged on the ground of a filthy garage, a wrench in hand. He itches the top of his head with the back of his other hand. A girl with short hair and ripped jeans watches him work while drinking a(n illegally obtained) beer. A boy with an impressive physique for a high schooler comes over and kneels beside Kim.

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Heroic : Success] - The boy, who has an anarchist tattoo, puts his hand on Kim’s back. Kim flinches. They talk about engines, and Kim makes no eye contact. His body remains tense the entire time, but he speaks with passion and authority. The other boy ruffles his hair as he gets up.

YOU - “You  _ tried _ . You did mechanic work for them. They liked you, but you weren’t really one of them.”

KIM - “I hope you know how unnerving it is when you do that.” There’s a sliver of silence. “But you’re right. I was always more mascot material than member.” 

  1. **“But you’ve always been a torque dork?”**
  2. “How did it end up in a pool?”



KIM - He laughs, a little louder than before. “Yes. When I was a little kid I would take out every library book they had on cars and bikes. I drew engine diagrams everywhere.” He rolls over and you can see his eyes in the dark, looking blindly in your direction. “You know, I actually thought about becoming a mechanic, for a while?”

EMPATHY [Medium : Success] - That’s the real secret, isn’t it? The bike in the pool is a merely an amuse-bouche.

YOU - “Why didn’t you?”

KIM - There is a pause; the click before the music starts. “I guess I felt like it wasn’t important enough. Like I needed to do something that would… ” He breathes out. He doesn’t have the words.

EMPATHY [Godly : Success] - But you do. Because you know, in the pit of your stomach: it’s the same reason you became a teacher. It’s the same reason you became a cop.

YOU - “Something that would validate your survival.” 

KIM - He goes very still in the dark. 

YOU - You wonder if maybe you might have put too fine a point on it.

LOGIC [Medium : Success] - Not everyone likes picking at the scabs of their trauma like you do, you know. 

KIM - “That’s… exactly right.” He is so, so quiet. “Some kind of… proof.”

YOU - You think about how when you met, something in the back of your mind told you Kim was your ‘half-brother.’ You thought at the time maybe it meant— 

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Easy : Success] - Same city, different precinct.

YOU - —and it does, but then you realized it could also be that you share a  _ different  _ tribe— 

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Medium : Success] - You share half your desires with him. Both part of the underground, but not quite the same.

YOU - —and it is, but now you realize it’s also— 

EMPATHY [Challenging : Success] - You share a catastrophic need to be recognized. To prove your value. To scream into the void of the universe until something screams back. 

EMPATHY [Challenging : Success] - You just go about it very differently. 

YOU - Half-brothers. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Medium : Failure] - But not literally, of course, because you obviously don’t want to fuck your half brother.

VOLITION [Easy : Failure] -  _ Thank you _ for that. 

YOU - You think, maybe, you might need to lighten the mood a little.

  1. **“So have you also always been into biker-types?”**
  2. “How did it end up in a pool?”



KIM - He grunts, a noise of simultaneous annoyance and relief. “I never said I was into biker types.”

YOU - “Yeah but. You are, aren’t you?”

KIM - His silence tells you the answer is yes. 

YOU - You wonder if you’re close enough to a biker type.

SAVOIR FAIRE [Medium : Success] - Well, you  _ do _ have the facial hair for it. 

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Easy : Success] - And the beer belly, coach. 

YOU - “Did you drive the bike into a pool to impress a boy, Kim?”

KIM - He sighs heavily. “No.” You hear him shift, disgruntled. “Not exactly.”

  1. **“But not entirely _no_ , either.”**



KIM - An explanation pours forth. “The bikers invited me with them to a race. I said yes because… well,” he sighs again. Embarrassed with himself. “I wanted them to think I was  _ cool _ . And… part of that might have been wrapped up in…  _ feelings _ I had.” 

YOU - “So is  _ that _ how you discovered you were a homo-sexual?”

KIM - He laughs, singly. His tone shifts lighter. “No, detective. I had already solved that case a few years before.”

KIM - “So… I go with them to this quarry, where the race starts. It’s supposed to wind through a neighborhood and…” He pauses, briefly, thinking. “I don’t remember exactly. That neighborhood isn’t the same anymore.” Rustling. He’s shaking his head. 

KIM - “Anyway. We get there and  _ immediately _ the guy who is supposed to race just  _ wrecks _ his bike doing stunts. He takes a jump wrong and totals the damn thing.” He makes a quiet tsk-tsking noise, like he’s still disappointed in this teenager thirty years later. “And in… a fit of pique, I guess, I offer. I say I’ll race instead.” 

YOU - Suddenly, you can’t help but picture Kim in a leather jacket, his thin hands in black gloves.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - A cigarette dangling lazily from his lips. His legs wrapped in denim so tight it’s like a second skin. Thighs pressed against the shiny black seat of a chopper, engine thrumming between his legs. 

YOU - Suddenly, you are  _ very _ glad it’s dark in this room. 

KIM - “So I get on my shitty bike, and one of the guys comes and whispers to me that I should borrow his, because the engine’s bigger. That there’s no way I’m going to win on the antique.” 

YOU - “Is this guy, like,  _ the  _ guy?”

KIM - You can practically feel his scowl drifting through the night air. 

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - So… yes. 

KIM - “I’d ridden his bike once or twice before, but agreeing was  _ stupid _ , because I wasn’t tall or heavy enough for it. If I hadn’t been…” He pauses, looking for a word, then snorts slightly. “...in a fugue state, I would have realized I wouldn’t have enough control to win on a bike like that.” 

YOU - “But you wanted to look cool.” 

YOU - “For  _ the guy _ .”

KIM - He makes a vague harrumphing noise. 

KIM - “Anyway.” He clears his throat. “I actually did alright, up until the end of the race. The other guy figured out I was having a little trouble with handling and just kept pushing me, and…” There is a moment of contemplation. He still wonders if he could have done it differently. “He kept trying to drive me into parked carriages and mailboxes and lampposts, and finally he cornered me off the road.”

YOU - “You crashed?”

KIM - “No. He wanted me to crash— badly enough that after he got me onto the grass, he followed me instead of continuing the race. And he just kept dogging me, trying to make me lose control and really damage the bike—” He pauses again. “It was about the bike, not me. I wasn’t a threat to him.”

KIM - “But he ended up sandwiching me between himself and a gymnasium, just riding me until I was sparking against the wall—”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - You can understand why someone might want to ride Kim against a wall. 

KIM - “—and in the…  _ bath _ of adrenaline I was swimming in, I thought, ‘if I take this corner really suddenly, right around the building, I’m going to be able to lose him.’” 

KIM - “And I  _ did _ lose him. And drove directly through the fence and into the pool.” 

    1. “Wait, what happened to the motorcycle? Did you hurt yourself? Did The Guy hate you for trashing his bike?” 
    2. **“That sounds so, so _unbelievably cool_.” **
    3. [Electrochemistry : Impossible] - “You are the king of sex. There has never been anyone sexier than you. If you so much as look at a motorcycle within twenty feet of me, I will cream myself.”
    4. “So, even you fuck up sometimes, huh?”



KIM - “It was not.” 

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - And that’s all he has to say about that.

  1. **“Okay, wait, what happened to the motorcycle? Did you hurt yourself? Did The Guy hate you for trashing his bike?”**
  2. [Electrochemistry : Impossible] - “You are the king of sex. There has never been anyone sexier than you. If you so much as look at a motorcycle within twenty feet of me, I will cream myself.”
  3. “So, even you fuck up sometimes, huh?”



KIM - “I was contused, but mostly my pride was wounded.” He sighs. “The motorcycle was waterlogged and dented, but  _ The Guy _ , as you keep calling him, took my apology in the form of me fixing it. The biggest issue was the damage to public property, for which I ended up in quite serious trouble.” 

  1. **“Whoah. Whoah. Wait. Is this the secret story of how you became a juvvie cop?”**
  2. [Electrochemistry : Impossible] - “You are the king of sex. There has never been anyone sexier than you. If you so much as look at a motorcycle within twenty feet of me, I will cream myself.”
  3. “So, even you fuck up sometimes, huh?”



KIM - He laughs. “No, not really. But I  _ was _ called ‘Cannonball Kitsuragi’ for the rest of high school, and sometimes I’m surprised that didn’t  _ turn me into _ a juvenile delinquent.”

    1. [Electrochemistry : Impossible] - “You are the king of sex. There has never been anyone sexier than you. If you so much as look at a motorcycle within twenty feet of me, I will cream myself.”
    2. **“So… even you fuck up sometimes, huh?”**



KIM - “Everyone fucks up sometimes. You don’t have a monopoly on bad decisions, Harrier.”

YOU - Your unshortened name in his mouth feels like a kiss; like communion passed from his lips to yours. 

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Medium : Success] - You want to hear him whisper  _ Harrier _ in your ear while you accept the sacrament of his body. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Medium : Success] - You want to  _ feel  _ him growl it into your back as he fucks you, fingers tangled in your hair. 

YOU - You find yourself quite unable to say anything but:

  1. **[Electrochemistry : Impossible] - “You are the king of sex. There has never been anyone sexier than you. If you so much as look at a motorcycle within twenty feet of me, I will cream myself.”**



YOU - Except, you fail  _ completely _ . And  _ instead _ you whisper, mouth like a scouring pad:

YOU - “I think…” You try to wet your lips but you have been drained of all saliva. “It’s. Kind of sexy. That you ride a motorcycle.” And you sound like you’re threatening him from beyond the grave.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Challenging : Success] - A skeleton, uninterred, buried mid-coitus. The dusty threat of ancient, weathered sex.  _ Down to bone _ in the most literal sense of the word.

PERCEPTION (HEARING) [Heroic : Success] - He grows so still the stillness makes a sound. Like a version of the Swallow, localized to Kim Kisturagi. 

KIM - “Rode,” he corrects you. “Not anymore.”

PERCEPTION (HEARING) [Impossible : Success] - You can  _ hear _ him blushing. The pink in his ears has a sound like the reverberations after a chime has been sounded; a sound like the inside of a sunset whelk shell. 

KIM - “So,” he swallows, willing the blood out of his ears, “that’s the story of my misbegotten youth, I suppose.” He breathes out slowly through his nose, and you can hear the smile in his voice. “Satisfied?”

YOU - No. You’re not sure you’ll ever be satisfied. You just want more of whatever  _ this _ is forever.

YOU - You answer as truthfully as you can. “For now.”

KIM - He laughs, quietly. Then he breathes. And then, you hear him roll over, pulling the blankets with him. He is still smiling when he wishes you, “Good night, Harry.”

YOU - “G’night, Kim.”

YOU - And it is. 

YOU - You nightmares are truncated, and when you wake up, you feel almost  _ refreshed.  _ You look around your apartment.

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy : Success] - Pale yellow sunlight slides across your carpet like leaves on the surface of a pond. Lieutenant Kim Kitsuragi sits at your kitchen table, reading something in contemplative silence. He brings a mug— a milk-glass mug with a large orange smiling sun— to his lips. 

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy : Success] - He really  _ is _ handsome.

PERCEPTION (SMELL) [Easy : Success] - He’s drinking coffee, brewed in the old stove top pot you cleaned out yesterday. 

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - His apparent comfort in your home makes you comfortable, too.

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Easy : Success] - He only fretted over using it for a moment. He’s ticking away at a bit of a thought project now, puzzling through his lack of fear and shame and entitlement. He’s not the kind of man who would usually make coffee in someone else’s home.

KIM - He turns, noticing you’re awake. His smile is a mirror of the sunlight. 

SUN-FILLED APARTMENT - You eat breakfast together, toast and eggs. You talk about starting work again tomorrow, and Kim gives you space to process the concerns you didn’t realize you had. He reminds you of what you already know— that moving forward isn’t necessarily going to be quick or easy for any of the other members of the precinct. That you need to ease back into work a little, because getting overwhelmed is a trigger for drinking. That you need to talk to the lazareth and set up an appointment with a therapist.

SUN-FILLED APARTMENT - And as he’s leaving, he reminds you of what you don’t know, too: that you can do this. That he’ll be behind you, pushing if you need him. 

SUN-FILLED APARTMENT - And then he leaves. 

SUN-FILLED APARTMENT - And it doesn’t feel like your heart is being vivisected, somehow. 

YOU - The rest of the day is a little harder. You rediscover  _ very quickly _ that you get bored  _ very quickly _ when there are no tasks to complete, no soul-satisfying lists of questions and quests to check off. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - And when that happens, you jack off. 

VOLITION [Medium : Success] - You probably should feel a little guilty about the things you picture Kim doing. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Challenging : Success] - But you don’t.

YOU - And not long after, you’re bored again. You take a walk, but spend the whole time thinking about how bored you are. 

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - There is a liquor store around the corner. There’s no such thing as a bored drunk! All party all the time, babe!

LOGIC [Medium : Success] - There is  _ absolutely _ such a thing as a bored drunk. But at least for a little while, you would be entertained. 

PAIN THRESHOLD [Challenging : Success] - The thought of a beer, or a shot of whiskey, or a bottle of cheap varnish-removing tequila, makes your esophageal sphincter tighten and squirm. A wave of nausea washes over you, followed by acute, palm-sweating longing. Your heart beats with a hollow, fleshy thunk, like someone beating a tympany with a steak. This is the first time you’ve  _ really _ been alone since the Apocalyptic Bender.

YOU - You shove your hands in your pockets and walk quickly past the corner.

YOU - You go to the library.

LOGIC [Easy : Success] - No booze at the library.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Medium : Failure] - Nothing  _ fun  _ at the library at  _ all _ . 

DRAMA [Medium : Success] - Well, oh Royal Opener of Cans, there  _ might _ be some of those homo-sexual books the Lietutenant mentioned.

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Easy : Failure] - There are, but you can’t find them, because you don’t remember how to use a card catalogue.

YOU - You find the nearest librarian, and present your dilemma.

  1. **[Savoir Faire : Challenging] - “Can you point me in the direction of your most _secret_ and _underground_ tomes?”**
  2. [Drama : Impossible] - “I will DIE if you do not obtain me every book of tender love between males in this institution!”
  3. [Electrochemistry : Impossible] - “Where do you keep the homo-sexual pornography?”



BAFFLED LIBRARIAN - The librarian looks at you with a wary, wide-eyed intensity, as if they’re ready to sprint off into the woods at a moment’s notice. They ask for clarification, but they don’t honestly want any. 

EMPATHY [Challenging : Success] - They are quite fearful that you’re looking for bomb-making instructions, or that you’re actually here from the Moralintern to confiscate seditious literature. You realize you will need to explain yourself.

  1. **[Suggestion : Challenging] - “You know. The books from the _special underground movement._ ”**
  2. [Electrochemistry : Impossible] - “Give me the good homo shit, man.”
  3. [Endurance : Easy] - “I was mistaken; forget I asked. I’m a hetero-sexual.”



BAFFLED LIBRARIAN - They push a lock of hair behind their ear and look behind you, hoping to find anyone who can extricate them from your weirdness.

EMPATHY [Heroic : Success] - This librarian, who is paid very poorly, and who has had a very long day already, has come to the conclusion that you are  _ not _ looking to blow anyone up or put anyone in jail; you’re just insane.

LOGIC [Easy : Success] - Sensible, considering you are insane.

YOU - You are going to need to be direct about this.

YOU - “I’m trying to figure out how to be a bi-sexual. Can you point me in the direction of the homo-sexual studies section, or something similar?”

BAFFLED LIBRARIAN - They look rapidly in either direction and then bring you just as rapidly to a poorly lit corner of the library. You look at the books for a split second, and they’re gone.

EMPATHY [Medium : Failure] - They seemed very nervous about this whole business. Maybe they’re a homo-sexual, too.

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Medium : Success] - Well. Not  _ exactly _ , but. You’ve got the spirit, at least.

YOU - The rest of the day is  _ still _ hard, but you keep yourself busy. You take out six  _ secret underground books _ , and begin reading. You only cry once, because you drop an egg into the burner of the stove. And when you go to bed, the nightmares are surprisingly manageable.

YOU - When the morning comes again, you get up, and you shower, and you put on a button-down shirt. And you prepare to walk to work, hands shaking. 

YOU - You miss your tie. 

YOU - As you go to put your wallet and your badge in your pocket, you’re interrupting by a tentative knock on the door. 

PERCEPTION (HEARING) [Easy : Success] - The knock is hesitant and ineffectual, like the knocker changed their mind halfway through the task. 

YOU - You assume it must be one of your neighbors. You hope you weren’t yelling in your sleep last night or something.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Medium : Success] - You  _ did _ make a bit of noise when you were thinking about all the things you’d like Kim to do to you.

HALF-LIGHT [Medium : Failure] - Don’t open the door. There’s no good reason anyone would be here. Just don’t open it. Wait for them to go away and then you can leave. Don’t open it.

YOU - You holster your gun and open the door.

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy : Success] - The person at the door— tired, unshaven, surrounded by a miasma of perpetual sarcasm— is not one of your neighbors. It’s Jean.

JEAN - He leans against the doorjamb, feigning nonchalance. His upper arms, however, are tense, and his lean is clearly an affect. He doesn’t exactly  _ jump _ when you open the door, but it would be disingenuous to say he  _ doesn’t _ jump, either. 

EMPATHY [Challenging : Success] - We usually call that a flinch. He’s not surprised, he’s terrified.

JEAN - Something shakes loose in his posture. The corners of his mouth twitch like he wants to say something, and his eyebrows try to meet his eyes. 

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] -  _ Now _ he’s surprised.

JEAN - You see his adam’s apple bob with a sort of pigeon-like hesitation. “You’re clean.” He blinks, looking behind you. “It’s clean.” His face makes a little turn to the side and then tenses and untenses, eyes circling. 

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Medium : Success] - He’s doing his best impression of a radiocomputer, rebooting after buffer overflow. 

JEAN - “Did you hire someone?” He steps into your apartment, arms crossed tightly over his chest. He looks at your bed, and the floor, and the kitchen counters, and the little table where you and Kim ate breakfast the day before. 

EMPATHY [Godly : Success] - His expression says, ‘where the fuck did you get the money to hire someone? What kind of shady shit have you gotten into?’ But it also says, ‘I don’t remember the last time I could see the floor,’ and that makes him sick to his stomach.

YOU - You have no idea how to behave with this man. You know, objectively, that he’s your partner, and that you have nearly a decade of shared history together. But other than the fact that your heart hurts when you look at him, he’s a stranger to you. 

LOGIC [Medium : Success] - He has no idea how to behave with you, either. He can’t be familiar, because you’re no longer familiar with  _ him _ . But he can hardly start over and pretend he doesn’t remember everything you’ve said and done since you were paired. 

EMPATHY [Heroic : Success] - He resorts to cruelty because he has no idea how to grieve the living. 

EMPATHY [Impossible : Success] - And because he has already grieved you before, and it was hard enough the first time. 

PAIN THRESHOLD [Heroic : Success] - Look at his face. That agitation? That wariness? Is because of you. You don’t know this man, but you know that you love him. Try not grind him up into a caustic powder of fine sharp shards, this time. 

YOU - “K…” You clear your throat. “Lieutenant Kitsuragi helped me. Is everything okay?”

JEAN - He continues to look around your apartment, arms crossed. “Everything’s hunky-fucking-dory. I just thought I’d…” He sighs, the weight of six weary years on his chest, “Thought I’d check in on your first day back.”

YOU - You think very carefully about how to respond to this. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Heroic : Success] - He loves you, as well. 

EMPATHY [Godly : Success] - But he does not trust you. 

YOU - You decide that for now, you can live with that. He has, after all.

YOU - "Thank you." You smile, showing your teeth in a way you hope reads as open and honest. A smile of friends reconnecting after a lengthy separation. "You didn't need to," you continue to smile, attempting to reassure him of your stability. 

JEAN - He licks his lips as he gives your freshly cleaned apartment a final once-over. "Guess I didn't." 

EMPATHY [Godly : Success] - He is, frankly,  _ jealous _ . Like an elementary schooler, worried that his friend has made friends with someone else. And he hates himself for it. And he knows he just could  _ not _ have dealt with helping you clean your place up, anyway. But it doesn’t take the sting out.

YOU - You hadn’t intended it literally— you just wanted him to think you were capable on your own. 

PAIN THRESHOLD [Challenging : Failure] - But now he’s looking at you like he wishes he hadn’t made the effort. And you can feel in his hurt all the thousands of other times you’ve hurt him so much more than this, and your mouth goes dry and your joints feel like aspic. 

COMPOSURE [Medium : Success] - You  _ cannot _ cry right now. If you cry in front of this man he will leave.

YOU - “It was very thoughtful of you,” you whine, a high grating sound quite unlike your regular voice. 

JEAN - He looks at you with open disdain, one eyebrow raised and a scowl forming on his face. “Harry, if you fucking start crying, I’m leaving.” He rolls his eyes. “You don’t even remember any of the shit you should be upset about.” 

YOU - You nod, authoritatively. “Still.” You clear your throat. “Thank you. Let’s walk?”

JEAN - “Let’s hit it.” 

YOU - As cautiously as you can, you compose a list of topics for your walk.

  1. **“So, what kind of cases are waiting for us today?”**
  2. “Am I still technically your boss? Because that seems weird.”
  3. “What’s the most fun you and I have ever had together?”
  4. “Are you looking forward to working with Lt. Kitsuragi?”
  5. “Am I allergic to any medication?”



JEAN - “As always, murder, larceny, arson, child abuse, domestic disputes. Herding drunks around.” He shrugs. “Same old shit.” 

YOU - “Anything particularly interesting?”

JEAN - “Nothing like a hanged mercenary or a giant arthropod, if that’s what you’re asking.”

PERCEPTION [Easy : Success] - No more is forthcoming. He has no desire to discuss the work, not until you’re  _ at _ work. 

  1. **“Am I still technically your boss? Because that seems weird.”**
  2. “What’s the most fun you and I have ever had together?”
  3. “Are you looking forward to working with Lt. Kitsuragi?”
  4. “Am I allergic to any medication?”



JEAN - He practically spits. “ _ You _ think it’s weird.” He laughs, a gruff, abrupt harrumphing noise. “Technically. You haven’t been demoted, if that’s what you’re asking. But you’re also a fucking five year old, so we’ll see how that goes.”

YOU - You wait for more, but there is none. You want to defend yourself against charges of being a five year old, but as Kim brought up, you  _ had _ forgotten what both money and crime were. 

  1. **“What’s the most fun you and I have ever had together?”**
  2. “Are you looking forward to working with Lt. Kitsuragi?”
  3. “Am I allergic to any medication?”



JEAN - “You and I haven’t had any fun in years, Harry. Not since Her Fucking Holiness hollowed you out.” 

LOGIC [Medium : Failure] - Wait. You had thought the Dolores Dei stuff was some kind of  _ metaphor. _

YOU - “Her Holiness?”

JEAN - “Dora. The A-Dora-ble One. Blacklight of Your Life. Bourgeois Bitch. High Holy Queen of Heartbreakers.” He sneers at you. “We had a lot of nicknames for her after she fucked you so hard all your organs started running exclusively on 150-proof.” 

COMPOSURE [Medium : Failure] - Ah. Huh. 

PAIN THRESHOLD [Medium : Failure] - Ouch.

YOU - “Before it got bad, then.” You shrug, trying to match his feigned nonchalance. “What did we used to like to do for fun?”

JEAN - He sighs. Deeply. “Does it matter?”

  1. **“Are you looking forward to working with Lt. Kitsuragi?”**
  2. “Am I allergic to any medication?”



JEAN - “Mother _ fucker _ , you’re doing the thing.” He looks at you over his shoulder, mouth twisted in disbelief. “You’re doing the thing you do to suspects.” He throws his hands up in the air and mutters to himself, walking faster.

PERCEPTION (HEARING) [Godly : Success] - Unfortunately, you can hear him perfectly. You can hear most things perfectly, since learning about the Col Do Ma Ma Daqua. His complaint is registered as follows: “Great. Great. Fucking wonderful. That’s what I’ve been downgraded to. I’m a fucking suspect. How the fuck do you just forget years of fucking— fucking—  _ UGH.  _ Harry, you drunken fucking asshole. Why do you get your slate wiped clean of all the shit you’ve— and we just. Fuck. I’m a goddamn fucking  _ suspect _ .”

PAIN THRESHOLD [Medium : Failure] - Wasn’t that something She said to you, too? That you couldn’t talk like a normal person? That it was always just questions, questions forever? 

VOLITION [Challenging : Success] - Perhaps that’s not how you’re supposed to talk to  _ friends _ .

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Impossible : Success] - The Lieutenant doesn’t mind because it’s  _ ordered _ . In fact— it’s the only thing about you that’s  _ ordered _ . It’s the space where your brains align.

YOU - “I’m sorry.” You catch up to his pace, although it hurts your leg. 

JEAN - “Stop apologizing.”

YOU - “Sor—”

YOU - You freeze, internally. In your head, the “RY!” echoes endlessly. 

JEAN - “It’s fine,” he growls. 

EMPATHY [Easy : Success] - But it is not.

YOU - “We’ll…” You jam your hands in your pockets, still struggling to keep his pace. He’s used to you being  _ fast _ . “We’ll just have to make new memories.”

JEAN - He looks at you like you just said you’re going to adopt every single stray kitten in the entire world and give them all ONE. BIG. HUG. 

EMPATHY [Heroic : Success] - He  _ hates _ that you said that. Truly, in every sense. He is sickened by its treacle, and, in equal measure, horrified by the possibility that you may  _ never remember _ .

EMPATHY [Impossible : Success] - But he also loves it so much it makes every one of his goddamn synapses hurt. He doesn’t want to stop being your friend. Even if you  _ are  _ a five year old. 

JEAN - “You’re drunk right now, aren’t you?”

YOU - “I have never been this sober in my life.”

JEAN - “No sober person over the age of six says things like that.” He scoffs, refusing eye contact. “We’re not  _ little girls _ , Harry. I’m not making you a goddamn  _ friendship bracelet. _ ”

YOU - “What if I make you one?”

JEAN - “I will throw myself off the roof of the precinct.” 

DRAMA - While it does seem unlikely he would wear such a thing, he is most certainly lying about any attempt at self-slaughter. 

INTERFACING [Challenging : Success] - You know how to make friendship bracelets. One of your students showed you how, long ago, and now that they’ve stopped shaking, your hands remember.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Easy : Success] - Green and white for Trant, and two shades of blue for Judith. Orange, obviously, for Kim. You don’t know yet what color you want for Jean, but you will soon. 

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Challenging : Success] - Something in your gut says  _ red _ , and something else says  _ black _ . He is passionate, and righteously angry; but he is also protective, controlled, and secretive. 

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Easy : Success] - Besides, he’d hardly wear something turquoise and pink. 

YOU - Mind made up to create friendship bracelets for the whole precinct, you try to simply  _ observe _ Jean during the rest of your walk. He seems to prefer the silence, but he also keeps looking at you out of the corner of his eye.

JEAN - You stop in front of a run-down old silk mill, emblazoned with the logo of the RCM. Jean raises his hands up and out, as if he is the world’s most woebegone gameshow host. “We’re here.” 

HALF-LIGHT [Challenging : Failure] - It’s not too late to run very fast in the opposite direction.

SUGGESTION [Challenging : Failure] - It’s not too late to consider a career change!

HALF-LIGHT [Impossible : Failure] -  _ Punch this sad scruffy man and run! Run away! _

YOU - You bite the inside of your lip and follow him inside. 

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy : Success] - When the door opens, four or five people turn and look at you simultaneously. You only recognize Judith, but you know you’re  _ supposed _ to recognize the others. The officers of Precinct 41 all quickly turn back to their work. 

LOGIC [Easy : Success] - Clearly someone told them not to make a big deal about this.

EMPATHY [Challenging : Success] - There’s one man who looks at you a split second longer than the others. He seems relatively young. His expression indicates that he has never seen you with both washed and combed hair before, and certainly not with both of those things  _ and  _ clean clothes. 

JUDITH - She waves at you. “Good morning, Officer.” You wave back, smiling like a preschooler on the first day back from vacation.

PERCEPTION (HEARING) [Challenging : Success] - You hear a snide whisper from the person next to the young-ish man:  _ Du Bois is here before noon. This is a sign of the apocalypse. _

INLAND EMPIRE [Heroic : Success] - There are a number of things going on that are signs of the apocalypse, but your timeliness isn’t one of them.

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy : Success] - You realize, suddenly, that you don’t see Kim. 

HALF LIGHT [Medium : Failure] - He is the only person here you can trust at all. The rest of these wolves are waiting to tear you apart. If he’s not here, then  _ you need to leave _ . 

COMPOSURE [Medium : Failure] - He must have decided not to join, after all. You feel your shoulder blades coming together, your body trying and failing to straighten itself out. If you don’t get some steel in that spine, you’re not going to survive today.

JEAN - “Are you talking to the fucking ceiling fan again?” He stands behind you with his arms crossed. 

YOU - “Where’s Kim?”

JEAN - He rolls his eyes. “Your security blanket is getting a physical.” He gestures to the lazareth’s office. “I’m sure he’d be thrilled if you joined him.”

SAVOIR FAIRE [Easy : Success] - That would  _ definitely _ be sarcasm.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy : Success] - But also you could go in there and maybe see Kim naked? So you could assume it’s  _ not _ sarcasm. And go see Kim naked. 

ESPRIT DE CORPS [Easy : Success] - The two brotherhoods you belong to do not, typically, mesh all that well. You probably should not have your first act as a newly sober cop also be an unintentional coming out for both you and the Lieutenant. 

JEAN - “Is this your new thing?” He pushes you between your shoulder blades. “Just standing in the doorway silently, wondering where you are or how you got here?” The bags under his eyes lend everything he says an exhausted, exasperated tone, but in this case he is actually quite exasperated. “Because that might actually be worse than drunk.”

YOU - “I don’t know which desk is mine.” Your voice is weak. 

COMPOSURE [Challenging : Failure] - …maybe you weren’t ready for this, yet.

JEAN - “It’s that one,” he sighs, pointing to the desk with a plant on it. 

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy : Success] - The desk with the plant on it, sandwiched front-to-front with a desk adorned with a reading lamp and a mug sporting the phrase “Answers: 10 Réal,” has been recently cleaned. There’s a neat stack of papers— today’s cases— on the right hand side. A cup full of pens and recently sharpened pencils sits on the left. 

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Easy : Success] - Between them sits a plant.

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Challenging : Success] - An Insulindian Reed Orchid, to be exact. A rare species of cold-weather flowering plant that, in non-ideal growing conditions, can fall dormant for up to ten years before blooming again. Considered very difficult to kill, but equally difficult to raise successfully. The plant has long, tender green stalks, and blooms an almost translucent peach-white, with bulbous, ovular flowers. This one seems like it might bloom any day now.

YOU - You touch the little clay planter the orchid is in. You really know very little about plants, and you doubt that this hardy diva is actually yours.

LOGIC [Easy : Failure] - Perhaps it’s evidence?

PERCEPTION (SIGHT) [Challenging : Success] - Tied to the plant stake, there is a folded note. You pull it off and open it.

FOLDED NOTE -  _ “Harrier, _

_ You’ve trimmed your roots. Sometimes that’s the only way to keep growing. So: let yourself grow. Become something that will make you happy.  _

_ -KK” _

YOU - Very softly, you touch one fingertip to a leaf of your orchid, and watch it bob in response. And very softly, you refold the note and put it in your shirt pocket, close to your heart. And very softly, you turn around, and very softly smile at Satellite Officer Jean Vicquemare. 

YOU - When you meet Kim for lunch today, you’ll thank him. 

YOU - But for now, you have growing to do.

YOU - “Alright,” you nod, one hand on the cases on your desk. You look to Jean. “Let’s get to work.”


End file.
